For The Birds

I've not blogged in ages. I had some issues at work and said some things online which got me into trouble, so have been keeping a low profile.

A lot has been going on, a month ago we had a break in while we were home. It was terrifying and stressful. I'm not going into the details, most people know the details now and I am trying to put it behind me. I only mention it now because of what happened when I went for my hypnotherapy session afterwards to deal with the trauma. I went under in the session and when Sharon (my therapist) had me go into the light and for any spiritual beings who had a message to come forward, both my father and my grandmother came through and embraced me in a circle of light. The message for me was 'I am safe and protected' and to 'be strong'. The other message came from my Grandmother who told me that She had made sure that Lily was not there as she is her favorite. I guess even spirits have favorites!?

The next big event in my life is that I had a hip replacement op 2 weeks ago today. I've needed the op since 2009 but had not been in a permanent job which meant no sick pay. It just all worked out that the timing was right so I went for it. I was terrified. I am a complete wuss about needles. So I was panicking over everything from the IV to the spinal anesthetic. As it was not a general anesthetic I also panicked I would hear and feel the op but be unable to communicate. All of the fears were unfounded, it was not as bad as I imagined. I was numb from the waist down from the spinal and so no pain for a few hours, then I had a morphine pump for 24 hours. I discovered that morphine does not knock me out or even make me sleepy. It makes me talk. Endlessly and pointlessly. I literally did not shut up for 24 hours. The high care nurses were bargaining, if we give you a bath will you sleep? If we get you juice will you sleep? Looking back it is hilarious, the idea of these exhausted night duty nurses wanting to put their feet up while I rambled on and on.

After a night in high care they moved me to the ward. I was pushed into the room and there was a lovely little old lady sitting there. She had her hair up and looked rather regal. I introduced myself and she said, 'oh my granddaughter is named Lisa' and then she introduced herself as 'Rena' and my heart skipped a beat and my eyes filled with tears. My grandmother who watches over me was named Rena! I have never met another woman named Rena so it is not a common name. They even spell it the same. I then told Rena about my GMa and that she watches over me in spirit and she sends me birds as our signal that she is around me.

Imagine the shock we both had when Norm came to visit and brought a new wash bag covered in little birds!

Rena and I hit it off and despite the 40 year age gap we chatted and chatted. It felt like I had know her forever and I was so relaxed and comfortable with her. She called us the deadly duo when we teamed up to cheek the nurses. I just adored her.

It worked out we were both released I the same day. She went early in the morning but I had to wait for Norm and only left at lunch time. After Rena left I tried to sleep, but I kept being startled awake, and when I would open my eyes I would see little orbs flitting around the ceiling. I just said 'hi gran' and closed my eyes. Then I would feel a long nail being dragged up the bottom of my foot. This is something GMa always used to do, tickle me with her long nails. This made me flex my foot, each time it was on the operated leg.

When I got home my Mom reminded me that GMa had broken her hip. She had refused to do her physio and as a result she could not walk properly and ended up in a wheelchair, which resulted I her having to move in with her son and not be independent any longer. I think that was her way of telling me to do my physio exercises as each tickle resulted in me flexing my foot, which is the exercise we do for circulation.

The main challenge in recovering is to be dependent and to be patient. Both areas which I have a lot of issues with. I have to wait for someone to help me out of bed, to prepare food or drink for me, even to help me to the loo. I have once again been reminded what a kind, considerate and loving husband I have as he has not left my side. My girls are doing their best to look after me and Caitlin has been cooking for our whole family most nights. I am so grateful for the love and care of my family. I am grateful that I could afford this op. I am grateful that I should be pain free after the healing.

The Door Is Open, the Secrets Are Out

I’ve been reading another book by Brian Weiss on his experiences as a regression therapist and I had a moment of clarity.

I had many while reading his books – but this one really hit me like a beacon shining in my eyes.

Brian talks about the different levels of spirit and that once we are in the spirit world we can manifest in different ways for different purposes to interact with the living, particularly in dreams. I had a flashback to when my Dad passed away. He was only 49, but had several previous heart attacks and was in poor health for several years. Despite this it was still a shock to me when he died suddenly from a stroke. I was living in LA at that time and my Dad was in Georgia where I grew up.

After he died I had such vivid dreams of him every night. I would awake sobbing as it felt as if he was there with me. Each time he came through to me it was the same message, he was laughing and smiling and he seemed so happy. He said to me “But I am not dead, it isn’t true, I am right here still with you.” My Mother also dreamt of him, and she said she was getting the same message from him. We both attributed it to grief, that we did not want him to be gone. But I now see it was his way of comforting us both, telling us that he is happy and free from pain and surrounds us still. I do feel his presence sometimes, I have had some strange things happen and I know they are from the spirit world.

This realisation gave me comfort – albeit over 20 years after his death I finally realised his attempts to interact with me.

The other point Brian discusses is miscarriages. He talks about how the soul chooses who will be their parents at the time of their passing. They evaluate the lessons learned in the last life and know what they need to work on to get to a higher level of consciousness. (Such as greed, dishonesty, addiction etc.) The soul then chooses their next incarnation based on the experience that they need to go through to reach further enlightenment.

He feels that miscarriages are due to the soul not being ready to inhabit that body. A sort of cosmic ‘mistiming’.

This then made me think back to the baby I had miscarried early in my 1^st marriage. We had not been married very long when I discovered I was pregnant. My Dad was very ill at this point as he had just had another heart attack shortly before my wedding. I lost the baby at 6 weeks and was devastated. However I was hopeful that I would fall pregnant again.

This was in April and my Dad then passed on in July. I spent a few months back in Georgia with my Mom and then returned to Los Angeles in August/September. I fell pregnant again in October which uncannily is the same month of my Dad’s birthday. My son was born the following June and from the moment he was born he was wide awake and alert, no crying. The doctor looked him in the eye as he emerged and T looked directly at him with wide dark brown eyes, the doctor then said ‘this is an old soul.’

My son has so many characteristics of my Father. He has a mole in the same spot on his face (one of the characteristics which helps identify the same soul in each incarnation is similarly placed birthmarks). He has some of my Dad’s bizarre eating habits and insomnia. He even has the same hair, thick, black and with a natural wave. (Which to their dismay, neither of my daughters inherited.)

Call me crazy (you wouldn’t be the first and I am confident you won’t be the last), but I feel in my heart that T (my son) is the same soul as my Father and that was why I miscarried. Daddy was still earthbound and not ready to be ‘born’ into his next incarnation.

I then mentioned all of this to my daughter L. I told her about Brian’s analogy of the tree – we are all just leaves on a tree, that tree being just one of many in a forest. The leaves on the same twig as we are have a close soul connection. The leaves on the same tree have a slightly less close soul connection but a connection all the same. And we are then similarly connected to all of the other leaves within the entire forest.

I explained that we then keep repeating our interactions with the same souls in each life, changing genders, changing relationships and family connections. I reminded her of the regression where I recognised that Mr Kitten and I have been married before in at least one previous life. I then mentioned that I was sure that I was married to her father in a previous life – the earliest one I have regressed to so far. I was a slave then and my 1^st husband was beating me in that life the same as he had often beat me in this life.

I mentioned that if a person does not resolve their issues in one life, they then revisit these same issues in their next life. She then said that I needed to resolve my issues with her Father as he has gotten over them. It says so much about my progress that I repressed any comments about him having anything to ‘get over’.

I had never discussed my relationship with her father with my children other than about 10 years ago when T saw me crying after his Dad had thrown me against the wall (many years after the divorce). I told T what had happened in the past. He said he knew his Dad was violent, but this was never mentioned or discussed with my daughters.

L then started crying. I gave her a hug and asked her why she was crying and she said it upsets her to think her Dad had done horrible things to me. I said that was why I wanted C to go for regression therapy as I think she carries trauma from when I was pregnant with her. L then said that she knew that her Dad had kicked me in the stomach while I was carrying C.

L then said to me that she also knew I had an affair when I was married to her Dad. This was her father’s justification for hitting me. I told her that yes I did have an affair. But that did not give him the right to batter me and try to kill me. I told her that no matter what happens in a relationship a man never ever has a right to lay his hands on a woman.

Apparently all of the ‘secrets’ I have avoided telling my children are not secrets at all. Part of me is relieved. I hated having these half-truths and secrets between us. I hope this door that has opened will allow for further healing for our family.

A Circular Pattern

I sometimes think I am more male than female, certainly in the traditional ideas of how men and women tend to behave conflict my own patterns. For example in addition to hating shopping, I also hate talking on the phone. If you look at the call history on my phone there is no calls which are longer in duration than ‘I’m home open the gate, catch the dogs’ etc.)

If people ring me and want to talk to me I am happy to talk, but do not expect me to initiate the call. If you want to communicate via FB, Twitter, BBM or any other technical interface then I am your girl. Phones? Actually speaking? Pffft. Rather invite me for a drink and we can have actual face time.

So when I awoke to an SMS from one of my best mates which said ‘I managed to avoid a hijacking and whatever could accompany that, stabbing etc last night, leaving hout bay. Canada calls.’ I just thought she meant she had seen some nonsense on the roads, and as there had been a shooting in the township the same night and we had what sounded like dozens of sirens running up and down the road to Constantia, added to by a boat capsizing in the harbour the next day and the resulting chaos of the sea rescue I just thought she was exaggerating.

I responded back asking what had happened and where, but added on that crime happens all over the world – I have had more crime happen to me in the UK than in SA.

I had no response until that evening when she messaged back to say ‘Thanks for your concern.’ I was a bit shocked as I had assumed that if there was anything major going on she would have rung me.

I guess that my avoidance of phones is no excuse when a friend is in need.

We had a friend who is over from Ireland round at ours for drinks, so I went upstairs and rang her. I apologised for being a rubbish friend. She sobbed that she feels very alone and that she wants to go to Canada. For once I bit my tongue, kept my opinions to myself and tried to comfort her.

But in my usual Virgo straightforwardness I wanted to say to her that she needs to look at why she is always so unhappy.

She lived in Johannesburg, she was not happy so she immigrated to Canada. She was not happy in Canada, so she emigrated back to SA and came to Cape Town to live. She is now contemplating going back to Canada as she is unhappy in Cape Town and feels all alone.

The problem is that she is not happy within herself, and she is the only common denominator in all of those moves. You cannot run from yourself. How can I discuss this with her without hurting her? I’m not sure whether I should even try…..but it is hard to see someone running when you know they are more than likely just running in circles?

The Conduit

I’ve often wondered how a psychic 'gets' their skills, and once they get them how they receive their messages.

I’ve been told many times that I have psychic skills and even the ability to do healing should I master my skills. I do believe that I have descended from an ancestral line which had powers, whether those were from a shaman, a witchdoctor, a witch or whatever my ancestors were deemed to be.

When I was a child I had premonitions, or visions or whatever you choose to call it. Once when I was about 4 or 5 years old our family was taken hostage and held at gunpoint by men wearing stockings over their heads as masks. I had dreamed this dream for a solid week before it happened, described it to my family and they just shushed me, thinking it was a normal childhood nightmare. When it all came to happen, no one would discuss my premonitions – it became yet another thing in our family we did not mention.

My hypnosis sessions are honing these skills by teaching me to listen to the messages I am given and to interpret the visions I see.

My friend ‘J’ told me yesterday about a strange thing that happened to her. She was talking to the guard at her apartment building when a crab followed her into the office. We do live by the sea but she was in an apartment block in the city, so that crab had to do some travelling to find her. She had asked the security guard (who was Xhosa) what did a crab symbolise? But the guard was not in touch with that part of his culture and just shrugged and laughed.

But ‘J’ is very spiritual and she knew that crab was symbolic of something. When she said that to me I blurted out, “but don’t you see? That is symbolic of the hard shell you wear, it is a message to be vulnerable, be willing to trust enough to show your soft side.”

J looked at me with wide eyes and told me that just after that incident she had gotten into the lift and met a man; a lovely caring man who has been pursuing her with great interest.

Without that information my words made no sense to me, but when she added that in we both went “Wow!”

So maybe that is my connection to the universe – that I can be a conduit to help others understand their own messages.

Keep it Light

I had a brilliant weekend. On Friday I went to the Mercedes Benz Fashion Event at the Lifestyle Centre. It was all of my favourite things - pink cocktails, great music, fashion, tasty food tidbits and a lot of laughs. I think it is so important for women to spend time with each other - we gain from each other's energy and laughter.

Saturday I was up early and off to another hypnotherapy session. S gives me such great advice - things that I would think should come naturally to me, or which I would think would be obvious are highlighted by her in her stance as an observer on my life. She stops me beating myself up over my past - she keeps reinforcing to me that I was doing the best I could do under the circumstances, that I am strong and a survivor - that often my choices were done as part of my survival instinct. She grants me forgiveness that I need to grant myself and therefore allows me to forgive myself.

She took me under as always, she took me to past life but I could not generate any visions. I kept seeing flashes of Native American art and designs but I just thought they were visual aberrations. When will I learn to just open my mouth and let the subconscious take over? She then brought me to a current life memory - she told my subconscious to go to a happy time in this life and I landed in the middle of a dinner. It was a family dinner but we also had some friends there, I immediately started laughing. When S asked me what I was laughing at I told her it was G my kids friend who was there. He went to school with my kids but I 'met' him on Facebook. We have the same sense of humour and keep each other in stitches. He comes to our Halloween party and is always shocking and outrageous. But hilarious.

So then she took me back to my birth - I could only see darkness, I felt some bizarre feelings but nothing too major, I could see my Mom unconscious but could not see me.

She then took me back again to past life and this time I landed in a past life as  Native American woman. I was on horseback and had a baby tied on my back. I was riding next to my husband. I could see his face and he was a beautiful man, and he felt familiar - immediately G popped into my head.

Was I married to G in a past life? That would explain our deep connection and ease with each other.

I was brought to tears when she asked me what we were doing, I told her we were being moved to another place to live and it was winter, we were so cold. And we were being forced to move -  I got the message that it was to Oklahoma. It was a long time ago - but I did not get a year come through to me.

She then took me forward and I was sitting outside of my tepee grinding corn with a round stone and a flat stone. I was watching the baby who had been on my back, now a brown little boy, playing around the camp. All of the women were there with the children but the men were off hunting.

I then went to her death - only the son was there at her time of passing, I wasn't clear what happened to my husband.

When she took me up above all of this and asked that a spirit come through and give any messages or lessons meant for me and I was presented with a picture of Willy Wonka. WTF?? Willy bloody Wonka??

He wanted me to dance with him and when she asked him what message he had for me it was to play, to be silly, to laugh and to dance.

I tend to be a bit serious and heavy by nature - I have to keep myself light by a conscious decision.

I went from there feeling like I had gained some valuable message for my continued improvement - keep it light!

The funny thing is that we ended up watching Dark Shadows last night - so maybe Johnny Depp is going to appear at my doorstep. A girl can dream can't she?

A Conscious Decision

Yesterday I made a conscious decision to be happy. Simple as that - I just decided that whatever came my way that day would just swirl around me like that giant bed of flotsam swirling round the ocean.

I would not get entangled in it.

It worked! I drove in to the city with no issues (I usually rant, rave, scream and give rude gestures to all in my way en route). I had a day at work with no drama, and not only no drama, but I was able to be speak up and be a contributing influence on our team meeting, when usually I would sit feeling terrified someone was going to ask me a question, thereby revealing me as the ignorant person the little voices in my head sometimes convince me I am.

I had a lovely evening cooking dinner with my hubby. I am normally not very easy to work with - I am a 'do it my way or get outta my way' sort of person. But we divided tasks and got it all done in a happy frame of mind.

In fact we bonded and worked as a team all evening, it was rather special.

I had one moment of sadness and tears when my daughter C was speaking to her nanny who has just moved off to the eastern cape. C is so devastated about her retiring and leaving the family home. C worries equally about her father being on his own, the animals not having Jean there to look after them and about Jean being left to the care of her not very caring family.

But highs and lows are part of a normal day - being sad does not take away from the happiness from the rest of the day.

And that is my ultimate quest - to find balance, peace and stability in my life.

Let's Go Back.....

I had another session with my hypnotherapist 'S' today. We were discussing my birthday last week and a necklace i was given, I mentioned that I cannot wear anything tight around my neck, and I cannot bear anyone to grasp my neck especially. I know that this is a throwback physical memory to my episodes with my ex when he would choke me to unconsciousness. Any tightness triggers that feeling of panic. So, we decided to work on that. I told her of a friend who has the same neck issues and that hers is from a past life memory. So we decided to do some past life work too.

We got to work and I went right under, landing in the midst of my ex choking me, my heart racing, crying and gasping, and then next, my ex standing over my unconscious body. She calmed me and then took me back to a previous happy memory and I went to my son being born. I felt the love my ex and I had and how delighted we were by him. I remembered why I married my ex, the 1st time in a long time I've been able to think of him without hatred or pain. She then took me back to the choking and then forward to another happy memory. This time, to my son on his bike, with me pushing Cait in the stroller, walking in the California sunshine along the beach.

Then back to the choking, telling the unconscious me that I will be fine, that I am strong and a survivor. Then she said she wanted to take me back to a past life where I had experienced that same feeling of powerlessness as I did when beaten, and I immediately pictured myself walking along a dirt path carrying a jug of water. I was wearing sandals and a white toga type garment. My hair was in black braids, twisted all around my head and I was dark olive skinned. I carried the water to a stone house where a large hairy man threw me down on the floor and stood over me in exactly the same way as my ex. I felt helpless, powerless, with no hope for the future and feeling full of despair. I was a slave. She then took me forward a bit in her life and I was presented a scene in which I was a server in a palace. The same person and lifetime, just more slavery.

Next she asked me to go to my death, and I came down into another scene. I could only gauge the era by the clothing. I thought at first I was one of the bodies on the floor of the church 'clinic', but then realized I was the nun walking in the midst of the bodies. It wasn't the death of the slave girl I had landed in but the life of a nun in the middle ages. She became a nun in order to heal, I had landed in that period of history where a woman had so much risk of being accused of witchery that being a nun meant she (I?) could practice healing with no risk to being challenged.

I then came up out of that life and down into the next life. I was a little girl, dressed in a long white dress like a sailor suit, black hair in braids and I was in a large garden with  a white butterfly on my hand. The butterfly flew off and I ran barefoot through the garden and into the house. My nanny was there, she was a round little grey haired woman in a uniform from around the 1900's. I was a very privileged little girl whose parents were never home. They travelled a great deal and I was left in the care of my nanny. When I saw my nanny's eyes I realized that it was my grandma from this life. She did not look at all like her physically other than the grey blue eyes, but I recognised her none the less and it comforted me.

She took me forward to an important day in the life of the little girl and I dropped down into her wedding. She was so happy and in love and when I looked at my husband's eyes I realized it was Mr Kitten! He was much older than her and very protective so that explains his tendency to parent me in THIS life.

I can't believe he married me again, he is such a brave man, my soul connection. I know my gran is one of my guardian angels, she has always been with me.

The lives to me felt random and unconnected until S pointed out to me that my subconscious took me to points of great polarity- from poor to pampered, from hopeless to helpful. One end of the spectrum to the other.  But all souls are connected forever, all physical forms are only temporary. Life goes on, our loves never die.

The Poison in My Heart, The Space in My Head

I had another session with ‘S’ my hypnotherapist last night. I told her that as I was away over the weekend and had such a hectic week that I had not done my ‘homework’ – I had only listened to my tape once that week. I also mentioned that my hip pain is acute this week. She then remarked that when I was listening to my tape every night, my hip pain had reduced greatly.

In case I didn’t explain this already, S previously recorded one of my sessions which was full of suggestions about self-worth and also had embedded messages about my hip improving and becoming less sore. So I do believe that the tapes influence my pain levels, even if only that they relax me and when the tension in my hip reduces then I walk better and therefore there is less pain.

We then chatted about my week and I mentioned that I am getting less prone to flying off of the handle, and I am pausing to evaluate my emotions before I react. Somehow the name of a colleague came up and I said that I am now just popping in my headphones and listening to music when he starts whittering on with his boring stories. She asked me what bugged me about him, and I said that he is always telling long elaborate stories where he is the victim – someone is always taking advantage of him or doing him wrong. In the few months we have been on this project together he has been in fights with Telkom, cell c, his car insurance company and some kids at his child’s school. All of these disputes are done at full volume in the middle of the office. This is the same guy that I threatened to stab in the eye if he didn’t shut up and who then reported me to the project sponsor and resulted in my getting a right bollocking.

So when I told S the background she said ‘so this guy is triggering some emotions, maybe we need to explore that if it is impacting you on a regular basis’. At first I did not want to waste my time or money on my feelings for this arse, but then I realised I need to let her guide me. I need to get out of the way of my own recovery.

So we agreed to work on this emotion he triggers in me.

Under I went, and she took me to the last time Arsehat and I had a disagreement. She asked me to feel the emotions which were triggered in me, to understand what had caused this reaction and to go back in my past to a time when I felt these same emotions.

I went zooming back to my childhood. I was about 7 years old and I was playing tag with my cousin Warren. Warren was on his bike and I was on foot and he lunged at me, resulting in his flying off of his bike and landing face 1^st on the pavement. His skin was scraped off of his face and he was knocked unconscious. I could not understand what this scene had to do with anything, but as she always tells me just to talk and let my subconscious have free reign, I went with it and when she asked me what I was feeling I realised that I have always carried the guilt of his accident. I felt it was my fault as he was chasing me and I jumped out of the way. She nurtured the little girl who carried that guilt & had me tell her she was not to blame, she was only a little girl and it was not her fault.

After healing that guilt, she then brought me back to the present and the last interaction with my work colleague. I was still feeling hostility and she asked me what it was that was triggering me and I realised that he has the same eyes and accent as my ex-husband. As our bodies hold onto the energy generated from our past traumas I can see why I reacted so strongly to someone who triggered that reaction.

So once I realised and voiced this then S took me back again to a scene with my ex-husband. She had me return and I immediately wanted to get up and run from the room, my heart started racing and I started sobbing. She asked me where I was and I told her I was on the floor with my ex standing over me. I had been hurled against the wall. I was pregnant with Caitlin and he had taken me by my hair and thrown me against the wall. She asked me what I was feeling and I said ‘ashamed’. She asked me why I felt ashamed and I said it was because ‘I let him do it’. She asked what could I have done to stop it, wasn’t he bigger than me, wasn’t he stronger. I said ‘Yes he is, but I could have killed him’. She pointed out that if I had killed him I would have gone to prison and then what would have happened to my children?

She had me converse with my past self – to comfort her and tell my past self that she will survive the entire trauma. That she will find the strength to divorce him, that she will lose everything but by losing everything she will gain an inner strength and confidence and will allow her to make a beautiful life for herself and her children. That she will find an unconditional love with another man, and that she will be safe and happy.

She then had me converse directly with my ex-husband. I was able to tell him how I feel now, how I felt then and to let him know that he did not succeed in his attempts to break me. I survived and ended up even stronger and happier than I dreamed possible.

She then had me transfer my conscious mind to his – so that he could tell me how he felt.

I had clarity that he was also a victim of neglect. His mother had bragged about the fact that due to her postnatal depression, she had just left H on a blanket for hours and he never fussed. I suspect that he never fussed as when he did, he was ignored. I then remembered the stories of his many nights spent in hospital as a small boy all alone, in pain and with no one there to nurture him. I remembered the stories my own children told about how cold and unloving their grandmother was.

I was able to forgive him. I was able to understand he is just another soul, trapped in a physical body, with his own issues to deal with. It does not mean I can ever be ‘friends’ or loving to him. But it does mean my fierce hatred and anger towards him has dissipated.

He no longer has any space in my head, or any poison in my heart.

I came to work today and my colleague is still the same boring, loud, boasting person he always is. He too has his issues and his deep need for attention drives his actions.

The scales are lifting from my eyes….the peace is coming in my mind…..the confidence in my own value and self-worth is growing.

I heal a little bit more…..

The Root of the Problem

Last week’s hypnotherapy session was very enlightening to me. I was taken down to ‘sleep’ and told that we were going to go to the point where my personality issues began.

I was a bit nervous as I thought that the place I was taken by my subconscious would be a place of trauma, possibly to the molestation that occurred when I was very small. I was nervous as I have no memories of this time other than a single flashback image. This image is generated on occasion – but my mind has blocked most of the episode. So when I arrived at the point of the start of my ‘trauma’ and I was taken to a seemingly innocuous scene where I was sitting talking to my parakeet and playing with my dog. But when S asked me ‘what are you feeling’ then I realised why I was there. I was feeling ignored, almost even invisible.

My Mother was present in her 20ish year old self as I was about 2 years old. My Mother seemed totally unaware I was there.

I was given 2 books to read by S as part of my quest for enlightenment. One was by Brian L. Weiss, MD who wrote several novels on past life regression. And the other was ‘The Hidden Messages in Water’ by Masaru Emoto. I devoured the book by Weiss and just skipped through the one by Emoto, but I did discover some things which touched me deeply in Emoto’s writings.

The basic principle in the experiments done by Emoto proved the impact of our environment and the conditioning we receive from our experiences. They wrapped bottles of water in pieces of paper with various words or phrases imprinted on them, or they spoke the same words over and over the water. They then froze it and examined the crystal formations which resulted.

What I found amazing and mind boggling was that abuse is not as damaging to the soul as neglect. I had assumed that my issues were from the traumas of my past – at the hands of the various abusers from both my childhood and adult years. In actuality my damage is from neglect, from being ignored and not nurtured.

I was not parented; I was never given rules, regulations, curfews or limitations. My parents were hippies and they thought that I should decide myself what was an appropriate bedtime, what time I should come home if I was out and whether or not what I was doing was correct. But without a parent there to tell you what is acceptable then how does a child parent themselves?

I went to parenting classes when I had children as I knew nothing about kids. I had never baby-sat, I do not think I had even held a baby except as part of my rotation through paediatrics in University and I knew I did not want to parent the way my parents had. So I hope that I learned more about communicating with my children, that I made them feel loved and valued. But I guess only they can answer that….and part of me is afraid to ask.

30 Days of Gratitude

As part of my quest to change my outlook on life and to reprogram my thinking, I decided to participate in the 30 days of gratitude exercise I had seen others do. Someone asked me to collect them all and post them as a blog, so here goes:

Day 1 30 days of gratitude; I am grateful that I have a job I enjoy and have not had any time since I've been in SA where I did not have a contract

Day 2 of 30 days of gratitude; I am grateful for my beautiful, healthy, intelligent and all round wonderful children. I love them so much it makes my heart ache

Day 3 of 30 days of Gratitude: I am grateful for my husband who loves me unconditionally and understands me better than I understand myself

Day 4 of 30 Days of Gratitude; I am grateful for my friends. I have wonderful women (and a few blokes) in my life that keep me entertained, listen to my problems and are always there for me.

Day 5 of 30 days of gratitude: I am grateful for my beautiful home, our stunning views, my pool and our gorgeous garden. I feel very blessed to have a warm place to live when so many have so little

Day 6 of 30 days of Gratitude: I am grateful that I've been lucky to travel the world, to experience such a wide variety of cultures which have enriched my life, to have been all manner of places from sharing a meal with a family on the floor in a long house in the jungle in Brunei to tea at Buckingham Palace with the Queen.

Day 7 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful for the many talented people who create art to entertain us, artists, dancers, singers and any other form. Today I'm taking the family to see 'Burn the Floor' and I am really looking forward to seeing the talented dancers perform

Day 8 of 30 Days of Gratitude: today I am grateful for my sight/vision. Even with my eye disease at least I can function fully other than some issues with driving after dusk. I work with someone who is blind and I cannot imagine the challenges she has or the level of dependence she has to have on others

Day 9 of 30 days of gratitude: I am grateful for my internal strength, that with all of the traumas of my past I did not break. I survived it all and turned it around and created the life I wanted.

Day 10 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I am grateful that the Universe redirected my career. Due to circumstances beyond my control I could not do radiography in the UK and I ended up taking a path that led me to gaining the skills I have now and this enabled me to be a specialist in Data Quality and to consult in a field which has very few other people and makes me very marketable

Day 11 of 30 Days of Gratitude: this may be an odd one, but I'm grateful for social media. FB allows me to watch my friends’ children and grandchildren grow and reconnect with my past. Twitter has enriched my life with new friends, invaluable when you move to a new country. I've met some friends for life on Twitter. I even still have some old MySpace blog friends still in my life!

Day 12 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful that we are finally able to start renovating our house. The stair rails go in today and they start with the guest room and outside patio next week so we'll finally have a proper shaded place to entertain

Lucky number 13 in 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful for Sharon my therapist who is helping me to 'reprogram' my past thinking and to become a wholly integrated person by healing my past

Day 14 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful that my children have found partners that fit in so well with our family. Our family is loud, chaotic and far from normal but Josh and Amber just accept us all and fit in seamlessly. (Now give me some grandbabies to be grateful for!)

Day 15 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful to live in the Mother City. Cape Town is one of the most beautiful cities I've ever seen from the mountains, the oceans, the vineyards - it has beauty from every angle.

Day 16 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful for Cordelia who cleans my house and does the laundry so that I can concentrate on work. Without her my weekend would be all cleaning rather than all fun and I would be a very dull girl

Day 17 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful that I still am lucky enough to have my Mom still with me, despite being so far away.

Day 18 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful that today is a public holiday and since I decided to also take tomo off I have 4 days off! So I'm grateful for long weekends :)

Day 19 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful for my animals. Pixie, Panda, Lola and Blue are a huge part of our family and I love them so!

Day 20 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful that I've found a hairdresser I can trust with my hair. Off to see Leandra today for a cut and colour, and think we may make a big change :) Maybe red? Chocolate? We'll see!

Day 21 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful to live in Hout Bay. We love this little village. It has everything you need, and most of the things you want and is close enough to the city for work, but far enough away you feel like you’re on holiday all of the time surrounded by its beaches and mountains.

Day 22 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I am grateful for my health. I have arthritis but it is manageable, it hinders me only with walking and I can cope with that. So many have struggles every day with critical illnesses and I am lucky to be relatively healthy.

Day 23 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful that Trevor has bought himself such a gorgeous house, that he has a job, and that he has such a wonderful girl to share it with him. It's nice to see him happy and settled with someone I know will value him and support him and knows him so well and fits in with our family so perfectly.

‎Day 24 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful that all of my children have been fortunate enough to go to University. That they have all found careers which suit their aptitudes and interests.

Day 25 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful for all of my family back in the US and in the UK. Family by birth, family by marriage, family by spirit… I'm grateful for what you all bring to my life.

Day 26 of 30 Days of Gratitude; I'm grateful for 'coincidence' (which I don't believe in as all things occur in these ways deliberately). The torrential rains occurring while our builders were here revealed a massive leak we never knew we had. So for those little things we think are synchronicity - I thank you universe!

Day 27 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful that my girls live with Norm and I and that we have so much love in our home.

Day 28 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful that after so many days of rain, the sun has finally emerged which enabled the builders to make lots of progress!

Day 29 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful that as we have so many days of pouring rain and cold, we have somewhere warm and dry to live, that we have plenty food to eat, that we have love ones around us, that we have friends we can count on and that we all have each other to laugh at (umm 'with', of course I meant 'with' hehe)

Day 30 of 30 Days of Gratitude: I'm grateful for books. I love to read and I am grateful for the writers who put their heart and soul into their writings. I'm grateful for my book-club and the lovely ladies in it.

Living on the Fault Line

I usually blame it on being a Virgo, but I am one of those people who always look for someone or something to blame for anything which does not go to plan. I recognise this as a character fault but now as my therapy is removing my blinders from my eyes, I see that the actual root cause of this is lack of trust.

I find it very hard to trust. I’ve always just thought I was a sceptic (or a Virgo). But last night during my therapy session I had a moment of clarity. Actually it was all explained to me by the therapist, I don’t want to steal her thunder J

 Last night’s hypnotherapy took me to a place in my childhood which greatly troubled me but had pretty much been forgotten. As I ‘arrived’ there my heart started pounding and my breathing was difficult.

We had some goats when I was a child. I was taken back to a scene where one of the goats had been murdered. (is it murder if it is an animal, in this case I think so) I was standing on the periphery of the group of adults all surrounding the dead goat which was lying with its internal organs pulled out of it. I could remember the adults saying that the goat had been a victim of sexual abuse by the neighbour ‘boy’ who was in actuality a grown man, but his mental age was the age of a child. He terrified me as a child and I could not bear to be near him. He could not speak, he grunted and drooled and flapped his hands violently. To a small child this was incomprehensible. I can’t imagine the life his parents had, caring for him and protecting him from society’s lack of understanding.

From my current adult perspective I could not imagine letting my child see a goat which had been sodomised to death, or to discuss the details of this openly in front of my child. I do remember watching that same goat being born, it was a twin and the mother had the babies in one of our outhouses. That was not traumatic however, it was fascinating and natural despite being bloody and seeing my goat taking strain it was part of living in the country and having animals.

The two people who were revealed as needing me to ‘heal’ a trauma were my maternal aunt and my uncle. She is still alive, albeit in her 80s. She is an evil woman. And I mean the word – not just using it as a descriptive term – she had evil in her heart. She has since been diagnosed as being mentally ill – bipolar, psychotic, schizophrenic, she has a few errors in her system shall we say.

As I started talking ‘to her’ in my hypnotic state I started to think of all of the things she had done to me as a child. The filth she lived in and I hated to visit. I cannot imagine why my Mother would allow me to sleep in that hovel. There would be bugs, filthy dishes, dog hair and poop everywhere. They also would drag me and my cousin out of bed at 5 am and force us to help deliver newspapers. I hated the black ink that would stain my hands, the smell of the printed papers; I would be nauseous and shouted at if I complained I felt sick from it.

I remembered my aunt stroking my hair while she thought I was asleep and saying to me, ‘such a beautiful child. Just as well you are beautiful as you will be a whore like your Mama and it always helps to be a beautiful whore.’

When I was 13 she had me drive her to a bar. I had never driven a car in my life, only a tractor and I promptly had a crash. She lied to the police and we managed to get away with it.

I remember when I was a teenager she would give me barbiturates to take and arrange ‘dates’ for me which consisted of me going out with random guys, and waking up confused and disorientated later. God only knows what ‘deals’ she had made for me or what happened to me while I was out. Once I awoke, having been thrown into a shower fully dressed with 2 gay men who had found me lying in a crumpled catatonic heap at the bottom of the stairs in my aunt’s apartment building. At first, they thought I was dead, but then realised I had overdosed and carried me inside and put me into a cold shower to wake me up and forced me to vomit. I thank my guardian angels that it was gay men who found me, and that anyone found me at all before I did in fact die of an overdose.

As a child I had imagined it was my uncle who was the evil one. That he had encouraged or organised her evil escapades. But in my hyperconscious state I had clarity which revealed to me he was as much a victim of her twisted psychosis as the rest of the family. I remember when I was about 3 years old he taught me to read. He would patiently sit me with on their farm and tell me about all of the animals and teach me my letters and read to me.

I do not remember my mother or father ever reading to me, maybe that is because I learned to read so early on my own. Somehow I doubt that. But it makes me feel less sad to think that.

So it is no surprise that I find it hard to trust. I was raised in such dysfunction and chaos. I was taught at a very early age that no one can be trusted or relied on, that the world is a dangerous scary place. This mistrust has created dysfunction in my adult life. I have a huge need for control. If people do not see things my way, do things my way, react in the way I expect it throws me. I get fiercely angry over the most inconsequential things. That is the legacy of my dysfunction.

However with each foray into my past, with each level of purging and purification, with each person I manage to forgive and let go of the hurt they caused me, I find that my hip is getting stronger. My posture is improving; my overall levels of stress are lessening. My ability to see my own character defects, to accept them and try to overcome them – these are all getting stronger along with my physical strength.

It is no wonder that the pain in my hip restricts my ability to push my pelvis forward or to abduct my knee, both are movements associated to sexuality and all of my mental pain is rooted in the sexual dysfunction and shame associated to my bizarre childhood. It is almost as if my frozen hip joint is starting to thaw, I visualise a glacier, slowly chipping away, slowly melting…leading to complete mobility and hopefully an accompanying peace in my heart and lightness of being.

Rainbows

Things just get more bizarre...today I was telling my boss about the session on Saturday and she was as fascinated as I am about the helicopter.

But when I told her about my spirit guides (or guardian angels or whatever you choose to call them) I was facing the window and as I started describing them a rainbow emerged right in front of my eyes!

Crazy? Coincidence? I don't know, I just feel a big change coming towards me....I'll just fasten my seat belt and hang on for the ride.

Helicopters in my Mind

Yesterday I had my first past hypnotherapy session. She took me back to a 'happy childhood memory', through when my mother was pregnant, when she gave birth, to before her pregnancy. There were no traumatic memories that came through, just an incredible feeling of sadness.
The only odd thing was that while under at some stages was so distracted by the helicopter outside that I could not concentrate. The sound was so loud it sounded liked it was landing in the courtyard outside. When I mentioned this S said she did not hear it, that she only heard the children cough and once the tap was on or something, that she is hypersensitive to anything which can intrude on the client.
How can that be! I clearly heard a helicopter very close to me? S said it must be part of my memory as it was not part of the present. So I need to ask my Mom about this.
I felt 2 distinct presences. Both Native American, ancestors I feel. A strong, muscular brave who would appear when she mentioned protected or safe or other key words. The 2nd an old NA woman with a grey braid. She appeared on words like love, worthy, cherished...sh ewould hug me. I feel she may be White Buffalo Woman. I then woke up.
Then she told me I might be very tired and maybe it was the power of suggestion but I came home and slept for about 10 hrs, got up, went to bed and slept til morning!
I feel great today.

It's Never too Late

I am still enjoying the sessions with my therapist, I didn't spend the whole session crying this time, so I guess that is progress?

She is having me keep a dream journal. I never remember my dreams but she tells me I will start to do so now that she is bringing stuff up, some of the dreams may be 'venting dreams' i.e. letting things go.

The 1st week I was actually not getting rested as I kept waking every hour or so in a panic I had forgotten my dreams.

I have been repeating my trigger word 'Peace' as often as I can think of it. I am a terrible road-rage-aholic and try doing deep breathing now to help. I am trying to think before I speak and not snap at everyone like I normally do.

But I think the thing I have benefited most from is her constantly telling me the things I did not absorb as a child:
I am worthy
The things that happened as a child are not my fault. I was a child.
I was not protected, and that abuse of trust by both my parents, grandparents and family, and later my 1st husband is what has made me so brittle and hard on the outside and so fragile on the inside.

She is breaking through the tough shell and helping me to strengthen that fragile interior.

She explains to me why my Mother is reacting the way she is with her own health issues. She is reinforcing to me that my responsibility is towards my own family here in SA. That if my mom chooses to just give up and stay in bed, to live her life in fear, then that is her choice and I have to honour that choice.

She is teaching me that I am strong. That the things I have been through would have broken so many others. That the fact I was brave enough to pick myself up, start my life over and to create the life I wanted is a testament to my strength.

It is almost as if she is giving me the parenting I never had as a child. It is something I need to get healthy mentally. To balance the hard and the soft.

Peace for the Physicals

I have decided to start going for hypnotherapy. I didn’t really think it was something I a) needed or b) would work, but I felt the universe pushing me towards this and I am a firm believer in listening to the universe if you hear it shouting at you.

My 1^st session was taken up with my ‘therapist’ “S” getting to know me a bit – she asked a few questions and she did 2 ‘tests’. The 1^st was to determine whether I was a ‘right brain’ or a ‘left brain’ person as there are different approaches the therapist will use for the 2 different types.

I am almost smack dab in the middle which I found rather interesting. I think that is my Virgo sun and my Gemini moon which drive those 2 opposites. My logical Virgo and my scatty Gemini battling for supremacy? Nice to know some part of me is well balanced at least!

The other test was to determine whether I fall into an ‘emotional’ or a ‘physical’ relationship model personality type.

If asked without understanding what the 2 meant, I would have guessed I was an ‘emotional’ as I am a volatile, easily triggered person who reacts first and thinks second. However she does a very long questionnaire and we discovered that I am a 98% physical.

The 'physicals' have these core values, prioritised as follows:

1)      Relationship / sex

2)      Family

3)      Friends

4)      Career / financial security

Career and financial security are only important as they enable me to have my family and relationship here in SA.

My primary need is to be loved and I need romantic gestures. This really surprised me as I am sooo not a romantic. But I do thrive on the validation which Mr Kitten gives me – he tells me daily I am beautiful and that he loves me. He seldom buys me flowers however he will make me coffee in bed and buy me choccies, so those are good enough for me on the ‘gesture’ front!

My primary fear is rejection or abandonment.

I found this all very enlightening.

We did do a brief session of hypnotherapy and she took me to meet my inner child. Then she asked me to visualise a word – I had no conscious thought of where this word was generated, but the word ‘peace’ came into my head.

So this is my word to help me reprogram my inner child ‘dysfunction’. She is helping me to understand why I react in the way I do to outside triggers, and hopefully to get to a point where I react only to the actual situation without overlying my previous history onto each current situation and therefore react irrationally.

In other words, she is trying to help me find that inner peace I so desperately seek.

Healing in Altered States

Last night I went to a hypnosis event, there was a speaker over from Portugal who is a psychiatrist (I think? or a therapist?) annyyyway, she is here and she was presenting on 'Deep Healing in Altered States' and just talked about some of her personal experiences with treating people.

One of the things she mentioned was a patient who was coming to her for phobia of fires, she could not even bear to be in the same room when a fire was lit. She regressed her patient and found that she had been in a fire - when she was still in the uterus!

The patient had no knowledge of this, but she rang her mom to ask her and found out that yes, when her mom was 5 months pregnant she was in a fire. By discovering the root of the issue she was able to heal the patient.
I found this fascinating as my daughter has been seeing a therapist for her anxiety issues. She is the only one of my 3 kids who has these issues with fear and anxiety, yet she comes off as the most confident of the three.

When I was pregnant with her, her father had beaten me so badly that he dislocated my shoulder. He was kicking me and punching me, I curled up into a tight ball to protect the baby and luckily all the damage was done to me, not her.

But then maybe she did get damaged - maybe her soul has been damaged. Maybe the high levels of fear I felt were passed to her - and she has internalised this energy?

However, she has no idea of the depth of the abuse I suffered from her father. I do not want her to know that. Not because of shame, not because of anything other than I don't want that to contaminate her relationship with her father. The damage he did to me and the issues we had between us were between us. I always felt that the 2 parents in a divorce should not involve the children in their dramas.

But now I am in a sticky spot - do I tell her this? Do I speak directly to the therapist and not tell C? I just want to help her heal - I do not want to rake up any past issues for her to deal with.

Any advice is welcome - even from you secret readers who never comment or tell me you read my blogs....I know you are there! I am asking the universe for advice and I await the response.....if you are my messenger then come chat.

The African Princess

Last night was the Success in High Heels event put on by Xtraordinary Women I attend a few different events, but this is my favourite by far. Gwen is such an amazing women and I admire her dedication to helping other women to grow and to bond and to network.

Last night's event there were so many cosmic connections, too many to go into here (attend an event!). But the one that was just too amazing to not mention is the speaker I was not even really aware she was on the list of speakers. (Isn't that often the way?)

One of the speakers was a story teller. She told us all a story about an African Princess who lived on the savannah. She was in love with a prince and everyone had expected them to live as King and Queen and to rule over the people. However her prince had itchy feet and buggered off, vowing to return in a year.

He didn't. And she cried. Eventually 3 years after he had left, she was visited by a Falcon. The Falcon told her he would fly over the earth and find her Prince. When he did, the prince said he was happy where he was and had no intention of returning.

The Princess did not believe the falcon and she banished him from her land and she continued to mourn and cry from sadness.

3 more years passed and she eventually looked up from her tears and she saw that these tears had created a river, and fish were swimming there, and the river created a lake and people were weaving baskets from the reeds, and there was abundant wildlife from the watering hole and basically an entire new land had grown out of her sorrow.

She then realised that life goes on. And that she was worthy of being the Queen without her Prince. So when her father died she ruled the land and she was a just and fair Queen.

After the story, the storyteller told us to write a note to the princess and tell her why she was worthy to be the Queen.

So I wrote this:
"Dear Princess of the Savannah,
You are worthy because through your heartbreak you have created this new land all to benefit from. You kept your faith in your Prince and your belief in love. But by acknowledging your loss, you opened the door for more life and beauty to grow."

Then at the end of the event, the story teller told us to think of our own most difficult time, where we thought that we might not survive, or where we had a major turning point in our lives. We were to read this note to ourselves - and to realise that we were indeed of value. We are indeed worthy.

I almost cried when I re-read this as it was so applicable to my past.

My heartbreak over the loss of custody of my children and my time away from them allowed me to realise I am strong. If I am able to survive that then I am able to survive anything life may throw at me.

And the bit about my Prince? That is my darling husband 'Mr Kitten' who has always seen through my hard exterior as a protective covering - and known I am soft as butter underneath, who always realises it is my past I am reacting to - not my present.

But the new land I have created? That is me being brave enough to leap over to SA, to forge a new life, create a new home for my daughters to come and live with me now that they are able to choose where to call home.

I know my strengths, I just need to be able to forgive the past which burned me but also forged me into the person I am today.

The Curious Kitten

I'm not the sort of person who asks a lot of questions when I meet people. I may be curious, but I've learned that if I ask questions then people feel the need to do the same. And I have a complicated past. My life reads like a novel. When I let out little snippets of my past, people think I am joking. Or just being dramatic. But nope, that is just my life. I also know that once people start on the path of inquisition, it will be no time at all before it comes out that my children grew up with their father, while I was in Europe, they were here in SA living with their father. And as soon as that part of my story is revealed, the judgment starts. Male or female, they are shocked by this knowledge. And even though they may not say anything at all judgmental, I see it in their eyes. I've seen that look before. In almost everyone's eyes. 'A mother who didn't raise her children? What is wrong with her?' I have a friend I met on Twitter, she doesn't have kids, she never seemingly wanted them. She has never given me that look, she just accepts me at face value. Accepts me for the offbeat, slightly eccentric person I am. And for that, I love her dearly. I don't feel I need to explain the details of why my kids were raised in SA to everyone I meet. It is none of their business. So if you meet me and I don't ask you a lot of questions, it is not that I am not curious, I am. But I know it's a trade off, if you reveal yourself, then you expect the same. And I only give myself away to those I trust. I have women I see regularly who know the minimum about me. I do not trust easily. So if you are one of the people I do decide to trust with my intimacies, I hope you can resist giving me that 'look'. Believe me, you could never judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

Diary of a Bad Daughter?

Today my blood pressure was so high, I was having trouble concentrating. When my Project Manager asked me was I OK, I was a bit surprised as I wasn’t aware that anyone could tell I wasn’t quite right, but she is blind and she ‘sees’ things that no one else sees. She can pick up a mood or vibe in an instant. So when I blurted out to her I think my BP is high, and all of the issues relating to that rise, she said, ‘go home and write it all down, whether you send it to your Mom or not, write it down.’ Did I mention she is also a trained psychotherapist as well as a brilliant IT consultant?

So, here goes.....

My Mom lives in the USA and has been having health issues for about 5 months now. She has not been up the stairs in her house for 5 months; she has been sleeping in one of the guest rooms in the ground floor. She lives in a huge 2 story house and the stairs are very steep and narrow so she is not keen on those steps at the best of times as she tumbled down them and cracked open her head years ago.

Her issues started with swelling of her joints which was eventually diagnosed as Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA).  Her Father was bedridden for years due to RA prior to his death; I remember his hands being knotted claws. She was unable to use her hands, or walk or anything due to inflammation of her joints and was in such terrible pain she would ring me crying. This put a huge dependency on my Step-Dad to do everything for her. Normally this might not be such a burden but he has colon cancer and has been having chemo for 2 years. He has been so ill he can barely function himself.

I’d often have Mom crying on the phone because she said she felt so bad that Tom was doing so much for her when he should be resting and healing.

Then she began having such pain in her knee they sent finally sent her for an MRI and found a torn meniscus so she had that repaired.

She got a new RA specialist and they wanted to put her on medication which was to cost $300 USD a month. She had to send forms to the doctor for them to send to Medicare for approval, and after 3 weeks Mom’s friend Melissa finally persuaded Mom to phone and make an enquiry on progress rather than just sit in pain and wait. She found out then that the forms had never been received so she had been waiting in vain as no progress had been made. So the forms get sent in and she starts having treatment. The treatment was prednisone which is a steroid which is known to potentially cause osteoporosis, especially if taking large doses. However Mom already HAD osteoporosis and was diagnosed years ago and given medication to help strengthen her bones. The problem is she never took the medication as it made her nauseous. So instead of going to her doctor to discuss alternatives, she just stopped and ignored it. Now 10 years on this decision to ignore her health has had dire consequences.

Basically, with the prednisone the inflammation went away but then she started having intense back pain. Her primary care doctor (the same one who said she was being overly dramatic about her knee when in actuality she had a torn meniscus) told her there was nothing wrong and gave her a muscle relaxer and sent her home. She lay in bed for weeks unable to get up without assistance, not even able to get up and use the loo. Eventually he orders an MRI and she was found to have a fractured vertebra. So she has a procedure called a vertebroplasty where they inject a form of cement into the spine to fuse the vertebra under x-ray imaging.

She went back home and back to her bed. Then she had another instance of intense back pain and then a 3^rd episode shortly after that. All 3 instances were from a new, different vertebral fracture. All 3 were repaired the same way.

Then her various doctors actually started speaking to each other and realised she had osteoporosis so should not have been on the prednisone in the first place as that was causing the fractures and rapid deterioration of her bone mass.

They also picked up that she had arrhythmia which her primary care doctor said he wasn’t concerned about. But she woke with her heart racing and ended up back in the hospital thinking she was having a heart attack. It was the arrhythmia. She had a new cardiologist consult and they were very concerned about her heart rate and did a procedure to shock her heart back into rhythm.

Medicare will not cover the infusions she needs for the RA. And instead of just spending the money for a year treatment from this disease that leaves her sobbing with pain and unable to function independently she has decided to remodel her bathroom.

Whattttt?!!

That caused me a lot of confusion. Then when I rang home and spoke to my stepdad he told me he was having surgery tomorrow to blast the last nodule in his liver. Mom then casually told me that she had a friend to take him and sit with him. Naturally I assumed that she is still unable to get out of bed. And then I hear that she had asked another friend to drive her on a 4 hour round trip to get her hair done today?? How can her sense of priorities be so skewed? This is how she pays back the months of devotion from her husband?

I then remembered when she was in such muscle spasms and I suggested she try acupuncture as I have had brilliant results from acupuncture when I have had back spasms. She said she was unable to make it there as she could not get out of bed. Yet the next time I spoke to her she told me she had my stepdad drive her to get a mani pedi! How can her vanity be more important than feeling better or supporting her husband?

I am so frustrated with her. I was so cross when she told me about not taking any treatment for her osteo 10 yrs ago when diagnosed and then when I hear all of this other nonsense I want to grab her and shake her.

My mother and I were pretty much estranged for years because of her inability to acknowledge the damage done to me as a child, damage which she denied for most of my life and when confronted said ‘well I knew he tried things on with me and my sister but never thought he would do anything to you’. My mother lives in a land full of rainbows and unicorns, never should anything ugly intrude into her imaginary world.

Is this a trait typical of all southern belles? Remember Scarlett O’Hara and her ‘Fiddle-dee-dee I’ll just worry about that tomorrow’? My Mother actually says that too.

Did I escape that gene because I moved away at the earliest opportunity? Or is my love of the ganja my own method of escape?

Basically now she is not getting out of bed except to groom herself for people who never see her, and she is still taking nothing for her osteoporosis. I ask her questions about her treatments and get a vague response. I ask her things which I would think she would be asking her doctors herself, like how long does she have to take the injections (nevermind that answer as she stopped taking them) and how long before they start to strengthen her bones and what is the success rate of the medication and and and and…..she just has no idea and doesn't seem to care.

I spent hours reading up on various treatments for her arthritis, I recommended reading material, I suggested dietary supplements and changes which have been proven to be successful with other people. She tried none of them.

Then I ask myself, is she depressed? Well apparently she was put onto antidepressants as she was getting hysterical over everything constantly, and this was before she was ill. She was convinced she was going to be a widow a second time and I guess I thought that as Tom has finally almost reached the point where he may be in remission she would be less distraught. But she isn’t taking those meds either.

One of the best things she can do for her osteoporosis is exercise, even mild exercise would be better than lying in bed all day. If she does not keep her muscles functioning it will be even more stress on her already fragile skeletal system. Lack of mobility of her joints will also cause more issues with her RA. She needs to get out of bed and try and get active. She says she is not in pain, so I am not sure what is causing this lethargy.

I am finding it very hard to understand how she thinks, the way she is dealing with this situation. I can’t understand not taking ownership of her own health and I certainly do not understand the self-centred way she is treating her husband at a time when he needs to be preserving his strength. But then again, I have never understood the way she approaches life as if in a dream world.

I guess my lesson in this is that it is not relevant whether I understand her; I should just try and offer her love and support. She is who she is, and at age 70 she is not going to change. It just feels as if she has given up. I do not know what else I can do to pull her out of it, to make her want to get better. I don’t know what to do with my anger at her, at the situation and then at myself for allowing her to cause me such stress and distress by her actions. My kids are all stressed and worried about her as am I. The girls are in the middle of exams and need serenity. I nearly walked out on my job to fly to the US when she thought she was having a heart attack.

I do not understand depression and if that is the cause then maybe it is all beyond her ability to care. Maybe I am too hard on her. Maybe I am not hard enough on her.

Maybe….just maybe it will all be fine if we can all relax and trust that all will work out. Or is THAT living in a dream world too?

At this stage I just don’t know, all I know is that I just don’t know. Ya know?