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Hout Bay, South Africa
I am the queen of mixed metaphors, scatty similes and clumsiness. Oh yes, and a bit of a Diva

Thursday, 30 August 2012

The Poison in My Heart, The Space in My Head


I had another session with ‘S’ my hypnotherapist last night. I told her that as I was away over the weekend and had such a hectic week that I had not done my ‘homework’ – I had only listened to my tape once that week. I also mentioned that my hip pain is acute this week. She then remarked that when I was listening to my tape every night, my hip pain had reduced greatly.
In case I didn’t explain this already, S previously recorded one of my sessions which was full of suggestions about self-worth and also had embedded messages about my hip improving and becoming less sore. So I do believe that the tapes influence my pain levels, even if only that they relax me and when the tension in my hip reduces then I walk better and therefore there is less pain.
We then chatted about my week and I mentioned that I am getting less prone to flying off of the handle, and I am pausing to evaluate my emotions before I react. Somehow the name of a colleague came up and I said that I am now just popping in my headphones and listening to music when he starts whittering on with his boring stories. She asked me what bugged me about him, and I said that he is always telling long elaborate stories where he is the victim – someone is always taking advantage of him or doing him wrong. In the few months we have been on this project together he has been in fights with Telkom, cell c, his car insurance company and some kids at his child’s school. All of these disputes are done at full volume in the middle of the office. This is the same guy that I threatened to stab in the eye if he didn’t shut up and who then reported me to the project sponsor and resulted in my getting a right bollocking.
So when I told S the background she said ‘so this guy is triggering some emotions, maybe we need to explore that if it is impacting you on a regular basis’. At first I did not want to waste my time or money on my feelings for this arse, but then I realised I need to let her guide me. I need to get out of the way of my own recovery.
So we agreed to work on this emotion he triggers in me.
Under I went, and she took me to the last time Arsehat and I had a disagreement. She asked me to feel the emotions which were triggered in me, to understand what had caused this reaction and to go back in my past to a time when I felt these same emotions.
I went zooming back to my childhood. I was about 7 years old and I was playing tag with my cousin Warren. Warren was on his bike and I was on foot and he lunged at me, resulting in his flying off of his bike and landing face 1st on the pavement. His skin was scraped off of his face and he was knocked unconscious. I could not understand what this scene had to do with anything, but as she always tells me just to talk and let my subconscious have free reign, I went with it and when she asked me what I was feeling I realised that I have always carried the guilt of his accident. I felt it was my fault as he was chasing me and I jumped out of the way. She nurtured the little girl who carried that guilt & had me tell her she was not to blame, she was only a little girl and it was not her fault.
After healing that guilt, she then brought me back to the present and the last interaction with my work colleague. I was still feeling hostility and she asked me what it was that was triggering me and I realised that he has the same eyes and accent as my ex-husband. As our bodies hold onto the energy generated from our past traumas I can see why I reacted so strongly to someone who triggered that reaction.
So once I realised and voiced this then S took me back again to a scene with my ex-husband. She had me return and I immediately wanted to get up and run from the room, my heart started racing and I started sobbing. She asked me where I was and I told her I was on the floor with my ex standing over me. I had been hurled against the wall. I was pregnant with Caitlin and he had taken me by my hair and thrown me against the wall. She asked me what I was feeling and I said ‘ashamed’. She asked me why I felt ashamed and I said it was because ‘I let him do it’. She asked what could I have done to stop it, wasn’t he bigger than me, wasn’t he stronger. I said ‘Yes he is, but I could have killed him’. She pointed out that if I had killed him I would have gone to prison and then what would have happened to my children?
She had me converse with my past self – to comfort her and tell my past self that she will survive the entire trauma. That she will find the strength to divorce him, that she will lose everything but by losing everything she will gain an inner strength and confidence and will allow her to make a beautiful life for herself and her children. That she will find an unconditional love with another man, and that she will be safe and happy.
She then had me converse directly with my ex-husband. I was able to tell him how I feel now, how I felt then and to let him know that he did not succeed in his attempts to break me. I survived and ended up even stronger and happier than I dreamed possible.
She then had me transfer my conscious mind to his – so that he could tell me how he felt.
I had clarity that he was also a victim of neglect. His mother had bragged about the fact that due to her postnatal depression, she had just left H on a blanket for hours and he never fussed. I suspect that he never fussed as when he did, he was ignored. I then remembered the stories of his many nights spent in hospital as a small boy all alone, in pain and with no one there to nurture him. I remembered the stories my own children told about how cold and unloving their grandmother was.
I was able to forgive him. I was able to understand he is just another soul, trapped in a physical body, with his own issues to deal with. It does not mean I can ever be ‘friends’ or loving to him. But it does mean my fierce hatred and anger towards him has dissipated.
He no longer has any space in my head, or any poison in my heart.
I came to work today and my colleague is still the same boring, loud, boasting person he always is. He too has his issues and his deep need for attention drives his actions.
The scales are lifting from my eyes….the peace is coming in my mind…..the confidence in my own value and self-worth is growing.
I heal a little bit more…..

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