Keep it Light

I had a brilliant weekend. On Friday I went to the Mercedes Benz Fashion Event at the Lifestyle Centre. It was all of my favourite things - pink cocktails, great music, fashion, tasty food tidbits and a lot of laughs. I think it is so important for women to spend time with each other - we gain from each other's energy and laughter.

Saturday I was up early and off to another hypnotherapy session. S gives me such great advice - things that I would think should come naturally to me, or which I would think would be obvious are highlighted by her in her stance as an observer on my life. She stops me beating myself up over my past - she keeps reinforcing to me that I was doing the best I could do under the circumstances, that I am strong and a survivor - that often my choices were done as part of my survival instinct. She grants me forgiveness that I need to grant myself and therefore allows me to forgive myself.

She took me under as always, she took me to past life but I could not generate any visions. I kept seeing flashes of Native American art and designs but I just thought they were visual aberrations. When will I learn to just open my mouth and let the subconscious take over? She then brought me to a current life memory - she told my subconscious to go to a happy time in this life and I landed in the middle of a dinner. It was a family dinner but we also had some friends there, I immediately started laughing. When S asked me what I was laughing at I told her it was G my kids friend who was there. He went to school with my kids but I 'met' him on Facebook. We have the same sense of humour and keep each other in stitches. He comes to our Halloween party and is always shocking and outrageous. But hilarious.

So then she took me back to my birth - I could only see darkness, I felt some bizarre feelings but nothing too major, I could see my Mom unconscious but could not see me.

She then took me back again to past life and this time I landed in a past life as  Native American woman. I was on horseback and had a baby tied on my back. I was riding next to my husband. I could see his face and he was a beautiful man, and he felt familiar - immediately G popped into my head.

Was I married to G in a past life? That would explain our deep connection and ease with each other.

I was brought to tears when she asked me what we were doing, I told her we were being moved to another place to live and it was winter, we were so cold. And we were being forced to move -  I got the message that it was to Oklahoma. It was a long time ago - but I did not get a year come through to me.

She then took me forward and I was sitting outside of my tepee grinding corn with a round stone and a flat stone. I was watching the baby who had been on my back, now a brown little boy, playing around the camp. All of the women were there with the children but the men were off hunting.

I then went to her death - only the son was there at her time of passing, I wasn't clear what happened to my husband.

When she took me up above all of this and asked that a spirit come through and give any messages or lessons meant for me and I was presented with a picture of Willy Wonka. WTF?? Willy bloody Wonka??

He wanted me to dance with him and when she asked him what message he had for me it was to play, to be silly, to laugh and to dance.

I tend to be a bit serious and heavy by nature - I have to keep myself light by a conscious decision.

I went from there feeling like I had gained some valuable message for my continued improvement - keep it light!

The funny thing is that we ended up watching Dark Shadows last night - so maybe Johnny Depp is going to appear at my doorstep. A girl can dream can't she?

A Conscious Decision

Yesterday I made a conscious decision to be happy. Simple as that - I just decided that whatever came my way that day would just swirl around me like that giant bed of flotsam swirling round the ocean.

I would not get entangled in it.

It worked! I drove in to the city with no issues (I usually rant, rave, scream and give rude gestures to all in my way en route). I had a day at work with no drama, and not only no drama, but I was able to be speak up and be a contributing influence on our team meeting, when usually I would sit feeling terrified someone was going to ask me a question, thereby revealing me as the ignorant person the little voices in my head sometimes convince me I am.

I had a lovely evening cooking dinner with my hubby. I am normally not very easy to work with - I am a 'do it my way or get outta my way' sort of person. But we divided tasks and got it all done in a happy frame of mind.

In fact we bonded and worked as a team all evening, it was rather special.

I had one moment of sadness and tears when my daughter C was speaking to her nanny who has just moved off to the eastern cape. C is so devastated about her retiring and leaving the family home. C worries equally about her father being on his own, the animals not having Jean there to look after them and about Jean being left to the care of her not very caring family.

But highs and lows are part of a normal day - being sad does not take away from the happiness from the rest of the day.

And that is my ultimate quest - to find balance, peace and stability in my life.

Let's Go Back.....

I had another session with my hypnotherapist 'S' today. We were discussing my birthday last week and a necklace i was given, I mentioned that I cannot wear anything tight around my neck, and I cannot bear anyone to grasp my neck especially. I know that this is a throwback physical memory to my episodes with my ex when he would choke me to unconsciousness. Any tightness triggers that feeling of panic. So, we decided to work on that. I told her of a friend who has the same neck issues and that hers is from a past life memory. So we decided to do some past life work too.

We got to work and I went right under, landing in the midst of my ex choking me, my heart racing, crying and gasping, and then next, my ex standing over my unconscious body. She calmed me and then took me back to a previous happy memory and I went to my son being born. I felt the love my ex and I had and how delighted we were by him. I remembered why I married my ex, the 1st time in a long time I've been able to think of him without hatred or pain. She then took me back to the choking and then forward to another happy memory. This time, to my son on his bike, with me pushing Cait in the stroller, walking in the California sunshine along the beach.

Then back to the choking, telling the unconscious me that I will be fine, that I am strong and a survivor. Then she said she wanted to take me back to a past life where I had experienced that same feeling of powerlessness as I did when beaten, and I immediately pictured myself walking along a dirt path carrying a jug of water. I was wearing sandals and a white toga type garment. My hair was in black braids, twisted all around my head and I was dark olive skinned. I carried the water to a stone house where a large hairy man threw me down on the floor and stood over me in exactly the same way as my ex. I felt helpless, powerless, with no hope for the future and feeling full of despair. I was a slave. She then took me forward a bit in her life and I was presented a scene in which I was a server in a palace. The same person and lifetime, just more slavery.

Next she asked me to go to my death, and I came down into another scene. I could only gauge the era by the clothing. I thought at first I was one of the bodies on the floor of the church 'clinic', but then realized I was the nun walking in the midst of the bodies. It wasn't the death of the slave girl I had landed in but the life of a nun in the middle ages. She became a nun in order to heal, I had landed in that period of history where a woman had so much risk of being accused of witchery that being a nun meant she (I?) could practice healing with no risk to being challenged.

I then came up out of that life and down into the next life. I was a little girl, dressed in a long white dress like a sailor suit, black hair in braids and I was in a large garden with  a white butterfly on my hand. The butterfly flew off and I ran barefoot through the garden and into the house. My nanny was there, she was a round little grey haired woman in a uniform from around the 1900's. I was a very privileged little girl whose parents were never home. They travelled a great deal and I was left in the care of my nanny. When I saw my nanny's eyes I realized that it was my grandma from this life. She did not look at all like her physically other than the grey blue eyes, but I recognised her none the less and it comforted me.

She took me forward to an important day in the life of the little girl and I dropped down into her wedding. She was so happy and in love and when I looked at my husband's eyes I realized it was Mr Kitten! He was much older than her and very protective so that explains his tendency to parent me in THIS life.

I can't believe he married me again, he is such a brave man, my soul connection. I know my gran is one of my guardian angels, she has always been with me.

The lives to me felt random and unconnected until S pointed out to me that my subconscious took me to points of great polarity- from poor to pampered, from hopeless to helpful. One end of the spectrum to the other.  But all souls are connected forever, all physical forms are only temporary. Life goes on, our loves never die.