Spoiled

Today someone called me spoiled because I had posted that my hubby took me to Chapman's Peak Hotel for dinner last night. They were just teasing me, but it touched on a point which we had been discussing last night.

My daughter did not want to come out with us as she was engrossed in sorting out her new bedroom, so on our way home we stopped to get her KFC as she had asked for. There was a family there eating out and Mr Kitten mentioned that KFC was a special treat to some people, same as Chappies is a treat for us. It is all based on your perspective.

I do know that I am privileged to be able to afford a nice car, a beautiful home and meals out. But as I was raised in a middle class American household, I guess I do sometimes take it all for granted.

Last weekend a friend took her domestic & her daughter out to the cinema as it was her daughter's birthday. Apparently neither of them had even heard of the cinema, much less been to one. I could hardly believe that. But then I started thinking about how much a domestic earns in a day and how much it costs to go to the cinema and then it was not so hard to comprehend.

But before you start projecting me as one of the Hilton's, my life has not always been so 'easy'.

There were years after my divorce when I could not get a job in what was my chosen field in those days. Instead, I worked as a waitress, I had no money other than what I made in tips. I barely got to see my kids and when I did I was so stressed all of the time it was not always what I wanted it to be. I lived in fear that my ex-husband would harm me. This was not irrational it was based on the years of abuse during my marriage and the dirty tricks he pulled to enable him to get custody of our children.

And then I had a nervous breakdown.

I was lucky enough to have a friend who cared enough about me to take me into her home, to grab me by the scruff of the neck and drag me off to a mental health facility and to sit outside the therapy rooms every day and wait for me while I tried to get myself back into a functioning mind frame.

It took a lot of strength for me to get back to work, to establish my own home, and to learn to love myself enough to realise that all of the things which happen to us do not define us.

What defines us is how we react to those things. How we recover and move on from those things.

Surviving.

It was just about the time I had gotten back on my feet, I finally felt that I deserved to be happy, I deserved to be loved & I deserved a life surrounded by people who felt the same about me, that I met Mr K. We were introduced by a common friend. I will always remember when he walked in, spotted me and his friend and realised I was the person his friend wanted him to meet. His whole face lit up and I was a smitten kitten. :)

On our very first proper one on one date I arrived hours late & more than a little bit tipsy. But he waited for me. I had a screaming row with the car park barrier attendant, then drove us both to a restaurant where I proceeded to be more than a little loud and crazy...and he stayed.

He asked about my kids and I burst into tears over dinner. He just looked at me tenderly and said 'I get it now, you're damaged' as if that explained my extroverted crazy behaviour and he understood me. He said I was only pretending to be 'hard' he saw straight through me.

He still sees straight through me.

He is clever enough to say when I over-react that he knows it is not him I am reacting to, it is my past.

So yes I am so blessed now, we have a great marriage, we still find each other attractive, we still enjoy each other's company, we both love to entertain and we both value family above all else. He is a wonderful step father. He is the rock who stays stable while me and my mini-me x2 are thrashing around being dramatic, hormonal and emotional. He is my stability.

Whether that makes me spoiled or blessed is again dependent on your perspective. Whatever you choose to call it, I feel so lucky that my life has come full circle. I have 2 of my 3 kids living with me, the other just a few hours away. I am finally back in Cape Town where I feel most at home. I am so content and feel so happy - sometimes it scares me to think it might be taken away from me again. But for now, I will just relax into it, embrace it and breathe it all in with gratitude.