The African Princess

Last night was the Success in High Heels event put on by Xtraordinary Women I attend a few different events, but this is my favourite by far. Gwen is such an amazing women and I admire her dedication to helping other women to grow and to bond and to network.

Last night's event there were so many cosmic connections, too many to go into here (attend an event!). But the one that was just too amazing to not mention is the speaker I was not even really aware she was on the list of speakers. (Isn't that often the way?)

One of the speakers was a story teller. She told us all a story about an African Princess who lived on the savannah. She was in love with a prince and everyone had expected them to live as King and Queen and to rule over the people. However her prince had itchy feet and buggered off, vowing to return in a year.

He didn't. And she cried. Eventually 3 years after he had left, she was visited by a Falcon. The Falcon told her he would fly over the earth and find her Prince. When he did, the prince said he was happy where he was and had no intention of returning.

The Princess did not believe the falcon and she banished him from her land and she continued to mourn and cry from sadness.

3 more years passed and she eventually looked up from her tears and she saw that these tears had created a river, and fish were swimming there, and the river created a lake and people were weaving baskets from the reeds, and there was abundant wildlife from the watering hole and basically an entire new land had grown out of her sorrow.

She then realised that life goes on. And that she was worthy of being the Queen without her Prince. So when her father died she ruled the land and she was a just and fair Queen.

After the story, the storyteller told us to write a note to the princess and tell her why she was worthy to be the Queen.

So I wrote this:
"Dear Princess of the Savannah,
You are worthy because through your heartbreak you have created this new land all to benefit from. You kept your faith in your Prince and your belief in love. But by acknowledging your loss, you opened the door for more life and beauty to grow."

Then at the end of the event, the story teller told us to think of our own most difficult time, where we thought that we might not survive, or where we had a major turning point in our lives. We were to read this note to ourselves - and to realise that we were indeed of value. We are indeed worthy.

I almost cried when I re-read this as it was so applicable to my past.

My heartbreak over the loss of custody of my children and my time away from them allowed me to realise I am strong. If I am able to survive that then I am able to survive anything life may throw at me.

And the bit about my Prince? That is my darling husband 'Mr Kitten' who has always seen through my hard exterior as a protective covering - and known I am soft as butter underneath, who always realises it is my past I am reacting to - not my present.

But the new land I have created? That is me being brave enough to leap over to SA, to forge a new life, create a new home for my daughters to come and live with me now that they are able to choose where to call home.

I know my strengths, I just need to be able to forgive the past which burned me but also forged me into the person I am today.

The Curious Kitten

I'm not the sort of person who asks a lot of questions when I meet people. I may be curious, but I've learned that if I ask questions then people feel the need to do the same. And I have a complicated past. My life reads like a novel. When I let out little snippets of my past, people think I am joking. Or just being dramatic. But nope, that is just my life. I also know that once people start on the path of inquisition, it will be no time at all before it comes out that my children grew up with their father, while I was in Europe, they were here in SA living with their father. And as soon as that part of my story is revealed, the judgment starts. Male or female, they are shocked by this knowledge. And even though they may not say anything at all judgmental, I see it in their eyes. I've seen that look before. In almost everyone's eyes. 'A mother who didn't raise her children? What is wrong with her?' I have a friend I met on Twitter, she doesn't have kids, she never seemingly wanted them. She has never given me that look, she just accepts me at face value. Accepts me for the offbeat, slightly eccentric person I am. And for that, I love her dearly. I don't feel I need to explain the details of why my kids were raised in SA to everyone I meet. It is none of their business. So if you meet me and I don't ask you a lot of questions, it is not that I am not curious, I am. But I know it's a trade off, if you reveal yourself, then you expect the same. And I only give myself away to those I trust. I have women I see regularly who know the minimum about me. I do not trust easily. So if you are one of the people I do decide to trust with my intimacies, I hope you can resist giving me that 'look'. Believe me, you could never judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

Diary of a Bad Daughter?

Today my blood pressure was so high, I was having trouble concentrating. When my Project Manager asked me was I OK, I was a bit surprised as I wasn’t aware that anyone could tell I wasn’t quite right, but she is blind and she ‘sees’ things that no one else sees. She can pick up a mood or vibe in an instant. So when I blurted out to her I think my BP is high, and all of the issues relating to that rise, she said, ‘go home and write it all down, whether you send it to your Mom or not, write it down.’ Did I mention she is also a trained psychotherapist as well as a brilliant IT consultant?

So, here goes.....

My Mom lives in the USA and has been having health issues for about 5 months now. She has not been up the stairs in her house for 5 months; she has been sleeping in one of the guest rooms in the ground floor. She lives in a huge 2 story house and the stairs are very steep and narrow so she is not keen on those steps at the best of times as she tumbled down them and cracked open her head years ago.

Her issues started with swelling of her joints which was eventually diagnosed as Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA).  Her Father was bedridden for years due to RA prior to his death; I remember his hands being knotted claws. She was unable to use her hands, or walk or anything due to inflammation of her joints and was in such terrible pain she would ring me crying. This put a huge dependency on my Step-Dad to do everything for her. Normally this might not be such a burden but he has colon cancer and has been having chemo for 2 years. He has been so ill he can barely function himself.

I’d often have Mom crying on the phone because she said she felt so bad that Tom was doing so much for her when he should be resting and healing.

Then she began having such pain in her knee they sent finally sent her for an MRI and found a torn meniscus so she had that repaired.

She got a new RA specialist and they wanted to put her on medication which was to cost $300 USD a month. She had to send forms to the doctor for them to send to Medicare for approval, and after 3 weeks Mom’s friend Melissa finally persuaded Mom to phone and make an enquiry on progress rather than just sit in pain and wait. She found out then that the forms had never been received so she had been waiting in vain as no progress had been made. So the forms get sent in and she starts having treatment. The treatment was prednisone which is a steroid which is known to potentially cause osteoporosis, especially if taking large doses. However Mom already HAD osteoporosis and was diagnosed years ago and given medication to help strengthen her bones. The problem is she never took the medication as it made her nauseous. So instead of going to her doctor to discuss alternatives, she just stopped and ignored it. Now 10 years on this decision to ignore her health has had dire consequences.

Basically, with the prednisone the inflammation went away but then she started having intense back pain. Her primary care doctor (the same one who said she was being overly dramatic about her knee when in actuality she had a torn meniscus) told her there was nothing wrong and gave her a muscle relaxer and sent her home. She lay in bed for weeks unable to get up without assistance, not even able to get up and use the loo. Eventually he orders an MRI and she was found to have a fractured vertebra. So she has a procedure called a vertebroplasty where they inject a form of cement into the spine to fuse the vertebra under x-ray imaging.

She went back home and back to her bed. Then she had another instance of intense back pain and then a 3^rd episode shortly after that. All 3 instances were from a new, different vertebral fracture. All 3 were repaired the same way.

Then her various doctors actually started speaking to each other and realised she had osteoporosis so should not have been on the prednisone in the first place as that was causing the fractures and rapid deterioration of her bone mass.

They also picked up that she had arrhythmia which her primary care doctor said he wasn’t concerned about. But she woke with her heart racing and ended up back in the hospital thinking she was having a heart attack. It was the arrhythmia. She had a new cardiologist consult and they were very concerned about her heart rate and did a procedure to shock her heart back into rhythm.

Medicare will not cover the infusions she needs for the RA. And instead of just spending the money for a year treatment from this disease that leaves her sobbing with pain and unable to function independently she has decided to remodel her bathroom.

Whattttt?!!

That caused me a lot of confusion. Then when I rang home and spoke to my stepdad he told me he was having surgery tomorrow to blast the last nodule in his liver. Mom then casually told me that she had a friend to take him and sit with him. Naturally I assumed that she is still unable to get out of bed. And then I hear that she had asked another friend to drive her on a 4 hour round trip to get her hair done today?? How can her sense of priorities be so skewed? This is how she pays back the months of devotion from her husband?

I then remembered when she was in such muscle spasms and I suggested she try acupuncture as I have had brilliant results from acupuncture when I have had back spasms. She said she was unable to make it there as she could not get out of bed. Yet the next time I spoke to her she told me she had my stepdad drive her to get a mani pedi! How can her vanity be more important than feeling better or supporting her husband?

I am so frustrated with her. I was so cross when she told me about not taking any treatment for her osteo 10 yrs ago when diagnosed and then when I hear all of this other nonsense I want to grab her and shake her.

My mother and I were pretty much estranged for years because of her inability to acknowledge the damage done to me as a child, damage which she denied for most of my life and when confronted said ‘well I knew he tried things on with me and my sister but never thought he would do anything to you’. My mother lives in a land full of rainbows and unicorns, never should anything ugly intrude into her imaginary world.

Is this a trait typical of all southern belles? Remember Scarlett O’Hara and her ‘Fiddle-dee-dee I’ll just worry about that tomorrow’? My Mother actually says that too.

Did I escape that gene because I moved away at the earliest opportunity? Or is my love of the ganja my own method of escape?

Basically now she is not getting out of bed except to groom herself for people who never see her, and she is still taking nothing for her osteoporosis. I ask her questions about her treatments and get a vague response. I ask her things which I would think she would be asking her doctors herself, like how long does she have to take the injections (nevermind that answer as she stopped taking them) and how long before they start to strengthen her bones and what is the success rate of the medication and and and and…..she just has no idea and doesn't seem to care.

I spent hours reading up on various treatments for her arthritis, I recommended reading material, I suggested dietary supplements and changes which have been proven to be successful with other people. She tried none of them.

Then I ask myself, is she depressed? Well apparently she was put onto antidepressants as she was getting hysterical over everything constantly, and this was before she was ill. She was convinced she was going to be a widow a second time and I guess I thought that as Tom has finally almost reached the point where he may be in remission she would be less distraught. But she isn’t taking those meds either.

One of the best things she can do for her osteoporosis is exercise, even mild exercise would be better than lying in bed all day. If she does not keep her muscles functioning it will be even more stress on her already fragile skeletal system. Lack of mobility of her joints will also cause more issues with her RA. She needs to get out of bed and try and get active. She says she is not in pain, so I am not sure what is causing this lethargy.

I am finding it very hard to understand how she thinks, the way she is dealing with this situation. I can’t understand not taking ownership of her own health and I certainly do not understand the self-centred way she is treating her husband at a time when he needs to be preserving his strength. But then again, I have never understood the way she approaches life as if in a dream world.

I guess my lesson in this is that it is not relevant whether I understand her; I should just try and offer her love and support. She is who she is, and at age 70 she is not going to change. It just feels as if she has given up. I do not know what else I can do to pull her out of it, to make her want to get better. I don’t know what to do with my anger at her, at the situation and then at myself for allowing her to cause me such stress and distress by her actions. My kids are all stressed and worried about her as am I. The girls are in the middle of exams and need serenity. I nearly walked out on my job to fly to the US when she thought she was having a heart attack.

I do not understand depression and if that is the cause then maybe it is all beyond her ability to care. Maybe I am too hard on her. Maybe I am not hard enough on her.

Maybe….just maybe it will all be fine if we can all relax and trust that all will work out. Or is THAT living in a dream world too?

At this stage I just don’t know, all I know is that I just don’t know. Ya know?

Two Moms

Last night I was standing in the kitchen when Lily came home from work. She came up to me and said 'I need to tell you something' and burst into tears. I immediately thought 'oh no she is pregnant'. But then she said she wanted to apologise to me. We had watched the movie 'The Help' on the weekend, and Lily had found it very emotional. She said it reminded her of Jean, the woman who raised my kids. She is a Xhosa woman in her late 60's and she has worked for my ex husband for almost 20 yrs. Lily was a toddler when my marriage ended and Jean was the one who fed them, washed their clothes and her bed was where Lily slept for years. So in the movie when the child tenderly touches her nursemaids face and says 'you're my real Mama' it was too much for Lily and she got very upset.
Lily said she knew that it upset me and it upset her that she upset me. I know that my face shows whatever I am feeling, but I told her it wasn't hurt she was seeing, it was sadness. Sad that, I wasn't the one there for her. Also gratitude that my kids had Jean who still tells Lily she loves her more than the children she gave birth to. Some of that sadness is also reserved for Jean, who was as absent in her children's lives as I was in mine, both of us from situations not of our own creation.
Lily hugged me and told me she always knew she could count on me to be there for her when she needed me and that I was a good mom and did her best to reassure me, but she didn't need to. You see I also had 2 moms. One of those was my grandma, my Mom worked for my whole childhood so I often stayed at my GMa. Luckily our house was built on an acre of land which was part of my GMa's 20acre estate. I would flip back and forth between houses depending on my mood and who was home at the time. My mom was only 20 when I was born so she left a lot of my care to my Gran.
I miss my Gran so and I am so grateful I had her in my life.
Just as I am thankful my kids had their 'other Mom'. Some kids are not lucky enough to have anyone, much less more than 1.

My jolly, jolly Christmas

This is my first blog on my new iPad which the darling Mr K gave me for Christmas. So forgive any typos cos autocorrect really is that bizarre.

I go back to work tomorrow after 3 weeks off and thought I should do a 'highlights' blog. I had an Amazing Christmas, I only had Lily and Josh here for the day as Cait and Trev were in George. But I cooked the whole deal, gammon, turkey, stuffing, roast potatoes, mash and gravy, carrots,broccoli casserole, brussel sprouts and 2 different desserts.

We exchanged presents with Mr K's fave being a remote control helicopter. In addition to my iPad which was such a surprise, I also received a stunniNg large ring made of black volcanic rock. Josh was given tshirts and Lily was given lots of goodies from fake uggs, hello kitty pajamas and pillow and some clothes and other items. 

Boxing day we went to a braai and the kids went back to George. There were loads of us there and it was chaos but lovely to see everyone.

We went up the west coast to the National Park to a wedding on the 30th and it was unique and memorable, yet simple and casually elegant. The bride entered in a row boat, hopped out and walked up the beach accompanied by her father. The ceremony was in a small, rustic, charming old church hand built by fishermen. It was half in German and half in English. I speak no German at all so during the German hymns I muttered 'schnitzel, strudel, farenheit' which may not even be German but it made suitable sounds and amused me. Mr K pretended to be annoyed but giggled nonetheless. 
The reception was held at Gelbeck restaurant in the park. It is such a lovely venue and the setting was all white, seashells, water and flowers. The starter was snoek and mussels, I passed on my snoek to the random man next to me thanks to the friendliness afforded by copious amounts of wine on an empty stomach. Unfortunately in my usual clumsy fashion I dropped it on his mussels and it splattered everywhere, attracting the frowning attention of his wife. Main was fillet on a rosti and it was all lovely but it was so late by this time I was a bit over it really. We have been having issues with our house alarm and it had been going off for hours, as well as our friend was doggy sitting we wanted to leave with the 10pm departure. As it was in a park we had to be escorted out as there is no guard on duty so late. On our way out we came eye to eye with a large male eland. A huge grayish antelope which stood looking at me for a few seconds before crashing off into the bush. It was amazing and awe inspiring, just a wonderful end to a wonderful evening.
New years was spent with friends, we had lots and lots of laughs and great wine and plenty of yummy food as we all brought dishes to share. We brought in 2012 with our fab mates and had a day to chill after.
We drove down to spend a few days in George as I wanted to give Trev his pressies and see his and Amber's new home. As Cait and I were cross g paths we decided she could come open them with us. I had also bought Trev a remote control helicopter and he loved it! I was worried he might find it childish but when I saw how much Mr K and Josh enjoyed playing over Christmas I was pretty sure Trev would also enjoy and he did, he had such fun. I got everyone pajamas and other clothes which they all seemed to like. I love giving gifts but always worry they won't like them. I was so impressed with Trev and Amber's little house. It is only 1 bedroom but as a starter home it is wonderful. It has a cute little well developed back garden and a lounge, dining room and kitchen. It is done in soft grey and charcoal with brookie lace along the front guttering. I am pleased seeing him settled and in love....not sure if grandkids are ever on the cards as they both say never. Sigh. I've time to work on em haha.
On the days in between we've been to braais, held a spur of the moment tweetup braai, done dinner at La Mouette with friends, lay by the pool and various other things too many to mention.
I needed this break and I loved having this time alone with Mr K.
I hope you have all had a great holiday break, mine has been fabulous.

The Variety of Life

The last week has been such a hectic week. It is end of year wrap up of most companies so I had 2 year end functions as well as a Christmas party and a night in the casino being entertained by an international comic. I love the fact that we get such a variety of entertainment in Cape Town.

Tuesday we had our book-club Christmas party. We booked at Kitima as it is in Hout Bay and easy for us all to get to, but mostly because it has amazing food and I think was even awarded the ‘Best Asian Food’ Award. The décor and service is brilliant, even when it is rammed full like is always is. The bartender was a bit full of himself and not great on the customer service, he snapped at me when I complained I had been waiting almost half an hour for my cocktail. But the food was good as was the company, we had a lot of laughs.

Wednesday was the end of year party for the company I contract through. It was booked on a small yacht, where we were told we would ‘cruise round the harbor, drop anchor in Camp’s Bay and have lunch’. Sounds divine doesn’t it? It wasn’t anything like that in actuality. We booked the only rubbish weather day of the week. It was a misty drizzly day and the water was very choppy. The driver took off full belt out of the harbor and we bounced and rocked and it was horrid. They seemed to be trying to just take us somewhere, anywhere, and then get us back as quick as possible. We were drenched with sea water, sea sick and sodden. Not pleasant in the least little bit. Why the driver (pilot?) had to go hell for leather I have no idea. No one could stand without holding on and one guy was so sick he spent the whole trip in the loo.

Thursday was our group of mates all off to see Jimmy Carr live at Grandwest Casino. We were all rushing to get there as our group of 14 could not pre-book a table. Seems insane to me, but there you go. So we had a group go ahead and book as big a table as possible. We all squeezed round a table for 10 and threw the food down our necks to make the venue on time. We didn’t have long to wait until the opening act, he was very funny. Of course Jimmy was, but it was a nice treat to get to hear a new local comedian. After the show some of the group went off for drinks but as I had been out late every night we headed home.

Friday was our end of year function with the company where I am currently contracting. We went to Moyo out at Spier wine farm. We had welcoming cocktails in a tree house, then went down to our tables in the tented area. The food was great, the drinks yummy and we all had a lovely afternoon.

We had Lily’s BF down for the weekend, and I wasn’t up to cooking for us all so we ordered in pizzas for the 6 of us and had a chilled out evening at home.

Saturday we were going to put up our Christmas tree and have a braai, but the weather looked a bit iffy so I decided to do homemade burgers. Lily and I made baked potatoes, a big salad and mealies to accompany it, and we had a feast! Nothing fancy, but plenty of food and lovely to have the family all together other than my son.

This is the last week with our visitor from the USA so I decided to treat us all to dinner at somewhere a bit special. I booked a table by the window at Salt. We had been there during the world cup and were very unimpressed with the food then, so most likely would not have gone back but then I heard they had changed their chef and I thought I would give them another chance.

On the day I got a call from the venue asking me to phone and confirm my booking. I missed the call but phoned back and spoke to someone to confirm both the booking and that we were by the window, yet when I arrived I got a bit of snarky attitude from the hostess who said ‘oh so you are here’. As we were there early for our booking, I wasn’t sure what she meant? I said, ‘yes I phoned to confirm as you requested and spoke to a lady with an Asian accent.’ So I asked if we could just have a cocktail as we were a few minutes early and we popped into the bar.

Once our drinks arrived, we went and asked could we be seated and away we went. We asked the waiter what he recommended and he suggested the fillet steak. It appealed to us all and the entire table ended up ordering it. We all asked for it to be medium rare except for Lily who can’t bear her meat even a bit pink.

We ordered a few bottles of wine and sat back to enjoy the lovely sun set and chat. Our waiter was very attentive, but not annoyingly so.

The steaks arrived and all of them except for Lily’s was overcooked. Not a drop of blood or pink to be seen. I said to the waiter they were overcooked and he just looked devastated. I would always send back an undercooked steak, but the idea of wasting 4 beautiful cuts of meat was too much for me to bear. So we ate them, but we all felt a bit cheated. It meant the meat was dry, there was only a dribble of au jus on the plate so even that didn’t save them. We were very disappointed.

The desserts were very nice, other than Mr K. He ordered some sort of vanilla chocolate panacotta stuff flavoured with wasabi. He said all he tasted was wasabi, he expected it to just have a bit as an accent but it was overwhelming. The girls and I had a chocolate crème brulee which was divine so I think he just made a bad choice. Our total bill was almost R2k bucks so I would have preferred to be able to rave about how brilliant the new chef is, but really I can’t in all honesty do so.

So what do you do if you get overcooked meat? Do you send it back and make them worry about the wastage? Or do you avoid making a fuss and just eat it?

I’m always paranoid I get some nasty chef spitting in my food if I complain…

Astral Travel or Just a Nightmare?

I had an interesting conversation with my friend M on the weekend about sleeping and dreaming.

She said that since she has been on these supplements 'prescribed' by this nutritionist she is remembering her dreams. I said that I seldom remember my dreams unless they are nightmares and wake me. She asked me whether I ever have those moments of your body being asleep but your mind being awake and you are struggling to move. I do have those and I told her of a time recently when I was having a bad dream about spirits and ghosts and I was trying to speak but only a loud keening, wailing sound would come out.

This sound was so eerie and horrid that it woke up Mr. Kitten who then thought I was having some sort of a fit. I was aware of the noise I was making, but my body would not move and I could not speak. It was rather terrifying. The dream was terrifying and maybe my psyche was trying to run from it.

She then proposed an alternative possible solution. Could it be Astral Travel?  I do fully believe that the mind is so much more powerful than we can even possibly imagine, that we as humans have either lost, forgotten or suppressed so many of the things which our ancestors learned centuries ago. But could it be that our conscious self has forgotten it but our unconscious mind can still tap into these mysteries, particularly while we are in a state of deep sleep?

I then joked that maybe this is why my body has so many aches and pains, maybe I do not have arthritis at all but my unconscious self is out kicking ass and raising hell while my physical body is having some down time so when I wake I have all the bruises and bangs from my evil twin’s naughty behavior?

Have you ever experienced that feeling of half wake/half sleep when you are having a nightmare and cannot come out of it? Have you ever woken your partner or kids with disturbing sounds while sleeping?

I do believe I have had this experience before. I had an alternative therapy session in London with this chick that had just learned this new therapy. I cannot for the life of me remember what it was called as it was Japanese. Basically it was like Reiki and Aromatherapy and a few other things combined.

She put some oils on several places, my 3^rd eye included. She then started holding her hands over my body and moving them without actually touching me. I went off into what can only be described as a hallucination, but it was as clear and real as if it was happening right then in the same room.

I was walking along a dirt path, I could hear the sound of drums in the distance and as I moved forward I saw a Native American village, tepees, horses, and women and children. No men, which I found interesting. I walked on and an ancient Native American woman with long white hair, dressed in animal skins and beating a drum was in front of me. I was compelled to walk towards her and when I got to her she put her arms around me and said, ‘Welcome Home’. Then all of the women came up and embraced me. I felt such a feeling of warmth and love and peace. She kept repeating ‘Do you know who you are?’. Obviously I don’t!

I love going to psychics. The strange thing is that I have had several psychics say to me that I am a descendant of White Buffalo Woman, who is also known as Menada. Both of my great grandmothers were full blooded Cherokee. I know very little about my heritage as just a few generations back in my bloodline, my family was illiterate. (No comments about my bad grammar and spelling you cheeky fucks, blame the American education system OK?) So very little exists to tell me about them and most of my relatives who could tell me are dead.

My daughter is now studying with a shaman, I know that she has inherited the power of our ancestors. I am glad she is getting the chance to study our history and how to tap into this power.

None of my night travels have taken me back to this village and none of the women (ancestors?) have appeared to me since. I hope that my daughter can open these paths in her own learnings. And I hope someday to again meet White Buffalo Woman.