A Change in Perspective

I was chatting with a friend who was saying that whenever he gets stressed, he asks himself, 'How Important Is It'? I know that I have a tendency towards hysteria. It is genetic, my Mom is a hysteric, her Mom was a hysteric...you get the idea. My daughters appear to have the same affliction unfortunately.

So I am trying to change my reactions to life in small subtle ways. Like asking myself is it really that important when I get wound up and taking a step back if it isn't. Sometimes making a big deal out of something minor just ends up taking it in a way it would not have naturally gone if we had just let the universe direct it at will.

I also know that I get back what I put out in the world, If I go through life being grumpy and miserable then I will get negativity back. If I greet the world with a smile and a friendly demeanour then the world will respond in the same way. If I am loving to Mr Kitten, I receive this back tenfold.

I see what power I can wield with my emotions, I see this with the way my daughter can create such animosity and chaos in our home just by her moods. She is my mini-me mirror who is helping me to grow myself into what I want to be.

I had a weekend of such relaxation and fun, and last night I had one of my moments of pure bliss. I do not think that people can understand how I feel unless they have walked in my shoes. Most women marry, have kids, raise those kids and then the kids move out. My life was not meant to follow that path. I think I have finally gotten to a place where I no longer beat myself up about my fuck ups in my past.

I am not saying I didn't fuck up - I did. In an extraordinary fashion. But the path my life took is the path the universe and my ancestors intended for me. It took me through a hell of a lot of pain and despair and unhappiness to get here. But that pain was due to being away from my children, and my children turned out so strong and so healthy and fabulous regardless, so any guilt or bad feelings I have towards myself are so unnecessary, they just drag me down.

The universe has given me a chance now to build a strong relationship with my girls, they both live with me full time and I am so grateful about this. Even if they wake me in the middle of the night coming in, if they are grumpy and moody, it doesn't matter. I am living the life I always dreamed of with my daughters living with me, happy with a wonderful husband, a lovely home and a job that supports it all.

Another of my new methods to increase my gratitude is to picture my life without the very thing which I take for granted or which annoys me. So I spent a weekend doing this - the trigger might be getting annoyed at my husband leaving his towel on the floor. But then I think 'would I rather have his towel on my floor, or have him not be in my life?' It puts the small insignificant things in perspective - he is so good to me and my girls.

When I got incredibly annoyed about having to do a weekend's worth of dishes on Sunday morning, I changed my thought pattern to 'these dishes are from my husband cooking a delicious meal for me and the girls on Friday' and I happily washed them. OK maybe not happily....but less grumpily. I didn't turn into Mother Bloody Theresa, there were no genies or lamps. It was still just Miss Kitten doing the dishes.

But I think back to Friday night, the end of a busy week, when Mr Kitten went and did the shopping, came home, cooked us all an amazing dinner, then the girls cleared up, dancing round the kitchen, singing about Mr Kitten being the best step-father in the world, and us all laughing and my heart is near to bursting with happiness.

After all, that is all that matters.