Blame it On the Moon

This morning I read a blog which got me thinking about something my daughter C. asked me last night. She asked me whether with all of the bi-polar members in our family, do I ever feel like maybe I am bi-polar? (Can a person ‘be’ bi-polar, or do you ‘suffer from’ bi-polar?) Either way you know what I mean so let’s move on.

My daughter probably has reason for concern, he father suffers badly from depression, I didn’t realize that was what I was dealing with when we were married but that is what it is. If he doesn’t take his meds he can barely get out of bed. I could barely get him IN bed but that is a different show Jerry. *wink*

C. has been unfortunate in that every genetic ‘defect’ in our bloodlines has manifested in her. I can understand her always analyzing her emotions to identify whether they are just ‘normal’ emotions or whether she is off the chart of ‘normality’. She has always been a volatile child. She is just wired that way – personally I do not think she is bipolar.

If I have to come up with a label, it is ‘passionate’. And that she definitely inherits from me. My first reaction to most new things is usually out of proportion to the incident – I tend to get in early with my attack rather than wait and try defense. I know this is a legacy from my 1st marriage – throughout that marriage I was a victim. (I hate that word but nothing else fits) I only reacted to the volatility that was swirling around me. I did not dare to stick my head above the parapet and state my feelings or viewpoints; it may have led to a punch or a heated attack. So I was conditioned into withdrawing into my shell, keeping all of my emotions under wraps.

Perhaps that is why now I really struggle to do that – if I am upset I have to voice it to the person who has upset me. I cannot just swallow it all down and carry on regardless. Unsaid words are like poison seeping into my bloodstream.

Today is a perfect example. Every year our family has a huge Halloween party. It is planned for months in advance, we spend a lot of money and we make a lot of effort. Maybe it is my American blood, maybe it is my ancestor’s witchery coming through, but Halloween is my favorite holiday. There is something about people dressing up in fancy dress which loosens people’s inhibitions and can make for a very festive party.

Anyway, my party has been planned for months. I had told my key group of girls the date months ago. So I was very surprised when they all come back to say they are busy when I post the event invites. They are all invited to another party. I know they have the right to go to whatever takes their fancy, but to me if a good friend invites you to something you go. Period. Even if something ‘better’ comes along.

Maybe that is where I am going wrong, I expect too much, or I am too sensitive. But I treat people the way I want to be treated, I hate to disappoint people. And maybe even that is a bit narcissistic, maybe they wouldn’t even mind whether I show up or not?

I’ve just received my astrology email for the month and it says: ‘Over the next couple days, your emotions will be so up and down, you'll feel like you've jumped on a cosmic see-saw. Don't fret too much though ... it'll all end on a high note!’

So for today, I’ll blame it on the moon.

 

A Change in Perspective

I was chatting with a friend who was saying that whenever he gets stressed, he asks himself, 'How Important Is It'? I know that I have a tendency towards hysteria. It is genetic, my Mom is a hysteric, her Mom was a hysteric...you get the idea. My daughters appear to have the same affliction unfortunately.

So I am trying to change my reactions to life in small subtle ways. Like asking myself is it really that important when I get wound up and taking a step back if it isn't. Sometimes making a big deal out of something minor just ends up taking it in a way it would not have naturally gone if we had just let the universe direct it at will.

I also know that I get back what I put out in the world, If I go through life being grumpy and miserable then I will get negativity back. If I greet the world with a smile and a friendly demeanour then the world will respond in the same way. If I am loving to Mr Kitten, I receive this back tenfold.

I see what power I can wield with my emotions, I see this with the way my daughter can create such animosity and chaos in our home just by her moods. She is my mini-me mirror who is helping me to grow myself into what I want to be.

I had a weekend of such relaxation and fun, and last night I had one of my moments of pure bliss. I do not think that people can understand how I feel unless they have walked in my shoes. Most women marry, have kids, raise those kids and then the kids move out. My life was not meant to follow that path. I think I have finally gotten to a place where I no longer beat myself up about my fuck ups in my past.

I am not saying I didn't fuck up - I did. In an extraordinary fashion. But the path my life took is the path the universe and my ancestors intended for me. It took me through a hell of a lot of pain and despair and unhappiness to get here. But that pain was due to being away from my children, and my children turned out so strong and so healthy and fabulous regardless, so any guilt or bad feelings I have towards myself are so unnecessary, they just drag me down.

The universe has given me a chance now to build a strong relationship with my girls, they both live with me full time and I am so grateful about this. Even if they wake me in the middle of the night coming in, if they are grumpy and moody, it doesn't matter. I am living the life I always dreamed of with my daughters living with me, happy with a wonderful husband, a lovely home and a job that supports it all.

Another of my new methods to increase my gratitude is to picture my life without the very thing which I take for granted or which annoys me. So I spent a weekend doing this - the trigger might be getting annoyed at my husband leaving his towel on the floor. But then I think 'would I rather have his towel on my floor, or have him not be in my life?' It puts the small insignificant things in perspective - he is so good to me and my girls.

When I got incredibly annoyed about having to do a weekend's worth of dishes on Sunday morning, I changed my thought pattern to 'these dishes are from my husband cooking a delicious meal for me and the girls on Friday' and I happily washed them. OK maybe not happily....but less grumpily. I didn't turn into Mother Bloody Theresa, there were no genies or lamps. It was still just Miss Kitten doing the dishes.

But I think back to Friday night, the end of a busy week, when Mr Kitten went and did the shopping, came home, cooked us all an amazing dinner, then the girls cleared up, dancing round the kitchen, singing about Mr Kitten being the best step-father in the world, and us all laughing and my heart is near to bursting with happiness.

After all, that is all that matters.

Blessings in abundance

This weekend I turned 50. Ouch. It is one of those cut off ages. I am now officially over the barrier and properly old.
Fuck.
My aching body attests to this. Today I am just so knackered and sore it hurts to get off of the settee.
But it all started so well.....
Friday when I arrived at work I received an email saying that my daughters and I were formally invited to dine at our home with Chef Norman in attendance.
I arrived home and was ushered through to the lounge and told in no uncertain terms to stay out of the kitchen. The girls and I sat watching 'So You Think You Can Dance'. Then Norm brought us a still warm meringue! Oh my god since when did my husband learn how to cook such a moist chewy meringue - or any sort of meringue for that matter?
When we met he could make toast and that was it.
He then proceeded to spend the evening spoiling us - first with a starter of steamed asparagus, wrapped in proscuitto and stuffed with mozzarella cheese inside the ham. It was drizzled with some slightly sweet but acidic sauce, it was just divine. My fave things all wrapped up in one.
For mains we had 'Italian Chicken' which was chicken in a casserole with mushrooms, in a white wine sauce, on a bed of mashed potato topped with steamed tenderstem broccoli.
For dessert he brought out a creme brullee which is my favourite dessert. It was made with white chocolate lindt and was one of the best things I have ever eaten. He just followed the recipe and he did a brilliant job.
I wish I had one now lol. And the meringues are what he did with the leftover egg whites after he made the brullee!

I felt he had surpassed my expectations and thought the next day might just be presents and a family lunch. Josh came down to visit Lily for the weekend and I thougth we would all just go for dinner.

However I was informed I had an agenda. I had to get dressed to go to the waterfront for shopping - he wanted to buy me a dress 'for that evening as I needed to look nice' when we went for dinner. We lucked out and found 2 at Edgars which looked great and bought them both. One of them is 2 sizes smaller than I normally buy, the other is 1 down. That made me pleased as punch.
In high spirits we then went onto Balducci's for lunch. We grabbed a table outside and I ordered some sushi.

We had a lovely lunch and a glass of wine then did a bit more shopping and headed home. I had a little nap then showered and headed out. We arrived at the venue where I assumed we were just joining our usual group of about 5 couples for dinner, but when I walked in the whole room sort of stood up in one long mexican wave type pattern...it was a bit overwhelming! I started tearing up and got a bit freaked out as I had not expected that at alll! The girls had put together a slide show of pics of me from childhood up to now, it was brilliantly done. I just felt so loved and so overwhelmed by it all.

I was given some gorgeous and brilliant presents but I opened them when we got home and I was rather tipsy and I kept thanking the wrong people for the wrong presents! Oops so embarrassing. But hopefully I have been forgiven :)

I went to a women's event I really like this week called Extraordinary Women and it is always loads of women giving talks about how they became who they are and it is very inspirational. Everyone was asking 'Are you where you want to be' for example. I reaalised yes I am. I have the life I have been visialising for decades - living with my kids having a normal life. I have a man who adores me and will do anything for me, I have my girls here at uni so with me for a few years and we are such good friends and so close. It is brilliant.
My son is settled with a woman he loves whom the family also love. She fits right in with us. They've bought a house and are happy.
I have amazing friends. And a beautiful home. If I wanted anything else I would just be greedy. I am so blessed and so grateful for those blessings.