Blame it On the Moon

This morning I read a blog which got me thinking about something my daughter C. asked me last night. She asked me whether with all of the bi-polar members in our family, do I ever feel like maybe I am bi-polar? (Can a person ‘be’ bi-polar, or do you ‘suffer from’ bi-polar?) Either way you know what I mean so let’s move on.

My daughter probably has reason for concern, he father suffers badly from depression, I didn’t realize that was what I was dealing with when we were married but that is what it is. If he doesn’t take his meds he can barely get out of bed. I could barely get him IN bed but that is a different show Jerry. *wink*

C. has been unfortunate in that every genetic ‘defect’ in our bloodlines has manifested in her. I can understand her always analyzing her emotions to identify whether they are just ‘normal’ emotions or whether she is off the chart of ‘normality’. She has always been a volatile child. She is just wired that way – personally I do not think she is bipolar.

If I have to come up with a label, it is ‘passionate’. And that she definitely inherits from me. My first reaction to most new things is usually out of proportion to the incident – I tend to get in early with my attack rather than wait and try defense. I know this is a legacy from my 1st marriage – throughout that marriage I was a victim. (I hate that word but nothing else fits) I only reacted to the volatility that was swirling around me. I did not dare to stick my head above the parapet and state my feelings or viewpoints; it may have led to a punch or a heated attack. So I was conditioned into withdrawing into my shell, keeping all of my emotions under wraps.

Perhaps that is why now I really struggle to do that – if I am upset I have to voice it to the person who has upset me. I cannot just swallow it all down and carry on regardless. Unsaid words are like poison seeping into my bloodstream.

Today is a perfect example. Every year our family has a huge Halloween party. It is planned for months in advance, we spend a lot of money and we make a lot of effort. Maybe it is my American blood, maybe it is my ancestor’s witchery coming through, but Halloween is my favorite holiday. There is something about people dressing up in fancy dress which loosens people’s inhibitions and can make for a very festive party.

Anyway, my party has been planned for months. I had told my key group of girls the date months ago. So I was very surprised when they all come back to say they are busy when I post the event invites. They are all invited to another party. I know they have the right to go to whatever takes their fancy, but to me if a good friend invites you to something you go. Period. Even if something ‘better’ comes along.

Maybe that is where I am going wrong, I expect too much, or I am too sensitive. But I treat people the way I want to be treated, I hate to disappoint people. And maybe even that is a bit narcissistic, maybe they wouldn’t even mind whether I show up or not?

I’ve just received my astrology email for the month and it says: ‘Over the next couple days, your emotions will be so up and down, you'll feel like you've jumped on a cosmic see-saw. Don't fret too much though ... it'll all end on a high note!’

So for today, I’ll blame it on the moon.