For The Birds

I've not blogged in ages. I had some issues at work and said some things online which got me into trouble, so have been keeping a low profile.

A lot has been going on, a month ago we had a break in while we were home. It was terrifying and stressful. I'm not going into the details, most people know the details now and I am trying to put it behind me. I only mention it now because of what happened when I went for my hypnotherapy session afterwards to deal with the trauma. I went under in the session and when Sharon (my therapist) had me go into the light and for any spiritual beings who had a message to come forward, both my father and my grandmother came through and embraced me in a circle of light. The message for me was 'I am safe and protected' and to 'be strong'. The other message came from my Grandmother who told me that She had made sure that Lily was not there as she is her favorite. I guess even spirits have favorites!?

The next big event in my life is that I had a hip replacement op 2 weeks ago today. I've needed the op since 2009 but had not been in a permanent job which meant no sick pay. It just all worked out that the timing was right so I went for it. I was terrified. I am a complete wuss about needles. So I was panicking over everything from the IV to the spinal anesthetic. As it was not a general anesthetic I also panicked I would hear and feel the op but be unable to communicate. All of the fears were unfounded, it was not as bad as I imagined. I was numb from the waist down from the spinal and so no pain for a few hours, then I had a morphine pump for 24 hours. I discovered that morphine does not knock me out or even make me sleepy. It makes me talk. Endlessly and pointlessly. I literally did not shut up for 24 hours. The high care nurses were bargaining, if we give you a bath will you sleep? If we get you juice will you sleep? Looking back it is hilarious, the idea of these exhausted night duty nurses wanting to put their feet up while I rambled on and on.

After a night in high care they moved me to the ward. I was pushed into the room and there was a lovely little old lady sitting there. She had her hair up and looked rather regal. I introduced myself and she said, 'oh my granddaughter is named Lisa' and then she introduced herself as 'Rena' and my heart skipped a beat and my eyes filled with tears. My grandmother who watches over me was named Rena! I have never met another woman named Rena so it is not a common name. They even spell it the same. I then told Rena about my GMa and that she watches over me in spirit and she sends me birds as our signal that she is around me.

Imagine the shock we both had when Norm came to visit and brought a new wash bag covered in little birds!

Rena and I hit it off and despite the 40 year age gap we chatted and chatted. It felt like I had know her forever and I was so relaxed and comfortable with her. She called us the deadly duo when we teamed up to cheek the nurses. I just adored her.

It worked out we were both released I the same day. She went early in the morning but I had to wait for Norm and only left at lunch time. After Rena left I tried to sleep, but I kept being startled awake, and when I would open my eyes I would see little orbs flitting around the ceiling. I just said 'hi gran' and closed my eyes. Then I would feel a long nail being dragged up the bottom of my foot. This is something GMa always used to do, tickle me with her long nails. This made me flex my foot, each time it was on the operated leg.

When I got home my Mom reminded me that GMa had broken her hip. She had refused to do her physio and as a result she could not walk properly and ended up in a wheelchair, which resulted I her having to move in with her son and not be independent any longer. I think that was her way of telling me to do my physio exercises as each tickle resulted in me flexing my foot, which is the exercise we do for circulation.

The main challenge in recovering is to be dependent and to be patient. Both areas which I have a lot of issues with. I have to wait for someone to help me out of bed, to prepare food or drink for me, even to help me to the loo. I have once again been reminded what a kind, considerate and loving husband I have as he has not left my side. My girls are doing their best to look after me and Caitlin has been cooking for our whole family most nights. I am so grateful for the love and care of my family. I am grateful that I could afford this op. I am grateful that I should be pain free after the healing.

The Door Is Open, the Secrets Are Out

I’ve been reading another book by Brian Weiss on his experiences as a regression therapist and I had a moment of clarity.

I had many while reading his books – but this one really hit me like a beacon shining in my eyes.

Brian talks about the different levels of spirit and that once we are in the spirit world we can manifest in different ways for different purposes to interact with the living, particularly in dreams. I had a flashback to when my Dad passed away. He was only 49, but had several previous heart attacks and was in poor health for several years. Despite this it was still a shock to me when he died suddenly from a stroke. I was living in LA at that time and my Dad was in Georgia where I grew up.

After he died I had such vivid dreams of him every night. I would awake sobbing as it felt as if he was there with me. Each time he came through to me it was the same message, he was laughing and smiling and he seemed so happy. He said to me “But I am not dead, it isn’t true, I am right here still with you.” My Mother also dreamt of him, and she said she was getting the same message from him. We both attributed it to grief, that we did not want him to be gone. But I now see it was his way of comforting us both, telling us that he is happy and free from pain and surrounds us still. I do feel his presence sometimes, I have had some strange things happen and I know they are from the spirit world.

This realisation gave me comfort – albeit over 20 years after his death I finally realised his attempts to interact with me.

The other point Brian discusses is miscarriages. He talks about how the soul chooses who will be their parents at the time of their passing. They evaluate the lessons learned in the last life and know what they need to work on to get to a higher level of consciousness. (Such as greed, dishonesty, addiction etc.) The soul then chooses their next incarnation based on the experience that they need to go through to reach further enlightenment.

He feels that miscarriages are due to the soul not being ready to inhabit that body. A sort of cosmic ‘mistiming’.

This then made me think back to the baby I had miscarried early in my 1^st marriage. We had not been married very long when I discovered I was pregnant. My Dad was very ill at this point as he had just had another heart attack shortly before my wedding. I lost the baby at 6 weeks and was devastated. However I was hopeful that I would fall pregnant again.

This was in April and my Dad then passed on in July. I spent a few months back in Georgia with my Mom and then returned to Los Angeles in August/September. I fell pregnant again in October which uncannily is the same month of my Dad’s birthday. My son was born the following June and from the moment he was born he was wide awake and alert, no crying. The doctor looked him in the eye as he emerged and T looked directly at him with wide dark brown eyes, the doctor then said ‘this is an old soul.’

My son has so many characteristics of my Father. He has a mole in the same spot on his face (one of the characteristics which helps identify the same soul in each incarnation is similarly placed birthmarks). He has some of my Dad’s bizarre eating habits and insomnia. He even has the same hair, thick, black and with a natural wave. (Which to their dismay, neither of my daughters inherited.)

Call me crazy (you wouldn’t be the first and I am confident you won’t be the last), but I feel in my heart that T (my son) is the same soul as my Father and that was why I miscarried. Daddy was still earthbound and not ready to be ‘born’ into his next incarnation.

I then mentioned all of this to my daughter L. I told her about Brian’s analogy of the tree – we are all just leaves on a tree, that tree being just one of many in a forest. The leaves on the same twig as we are have a close soul connection. The leaves on the same tree have a slightly less close soul connection but a connection all the same. And we are then similarly connected to all of the other leaves within the entire forest.

I explained that we then keep repeating our interactions with the same souls in each life, changing genders, changing relationships and family connections. I reminded her of the regression where I recognised that Mr Kitten and I have been married before in at least one previous life. I then mentioned that I was sure that I was married to her father in a previous life – the earliest one I have regressed to so far. I was a slave then and my 1^st husband was beating me in that life the same as he had often beat me in this life.

I mentioned that if a person does not resolve their issues in one life, they then revisit these same issues in their next life. She then said that I needed to resolve my issues with her Father as he has gotten over them. It says so much about my progress that I repressed any comments about him having anything to ‘get over’.

I had never discussed my relationship with her father with my children other than about 10 years ago when T saw me crying after his Dad had thrown me against the wall (many years after the divorce). I told T what had happened in the past. He said he knew his Dad was violent, but this was never mentioned or discussed with my daughters.

L then started crying. I gave her a hug and asked her why she was crying and she said it upsets her to think her Dad had done horrible things to me. I said that was why I wanted C to go for regression therapy as I think she carries trauma from when I was pregnant with her. L then said that she knew that her Dad had kicked me in the stomach while I was carrying C.

L then said to me that she also knew I had an affair when I was married to her Dad. This was her father’s justification for hitting me. I told her that yes I did have an affair. But that did not give him the right to batter me and try to kill me. I told her that no matter what happens in a relationship a man never ever has a right to lay his hands on a woman.

Apparently all of the ‘secrets’ I have avoided telling my children are not secrets at all. Part of me is relieved. I hated having these half-truths and secrets between us. I hope this door that has opened will allow for further healing for our family.

A Circular Pattern

I sometimes think I am more male than female, certainly in the traditional ideas of how men and women tend to behave conflict my own patterns. For example in addition to hating shopping, I also hate talking on the phone. If you look at the call history on my phone there is no calls which are longer in duration than ‘I’m home open the gate, catch the dogs’ etc.)

If people ring me and want to talk to me I am happy to talk, but do not expect me to initiate the call. If you want to communicate via FB, Twitter, BBM or any other technical interface then I am your girl. Phones? Actually speaking? Pffft. Rather invite me for a drink and we can have actual face time.

So when I awoke to an SMS from one of my best mates which said ‘I managed to avoid a hijacking and whatever could accompany that, stabbing etc last night, leaving hout bay. Canada calls.’ I just thought she meant she had seen some nonsense on the roads, and as there had been a shooting in the township the same night and we had what sounded like dozens of sirens running up and down the road to Constantia, added to by a boat capsizing in the harbour the next day and the resulting chaos of the sea rescue I just thought she was exaggerating.

I responded back asking what had happened and where, but added on that crime happens all over the world – I have had more crime happen to me in the UK than in SA.

I had no response until that evening when she messaged back to say ‘Thanks for your concern.’ I was a bit shocked as I had assumed that if there was anything major going on she would have rung me.

I guess that my avoidance of phones is no excuse when a friend is in need.

We had a friend who is over from Ireland round at ours for drinks, so I went upstairs and rang her. I apologised for being a rubbish friend. She sobbed that she feels very alone and that she wants to go to Canada. For once I bit my tongue, kept my opinions to myself and tried to comfort her.

But in my usual Virgo straightforwardness I wanted to say to her that she needs to look at why she is always so unhappy.

She lived in Johannesburg, she was not happy so she immigrated to Canada. She was not happy in Canada, so she emigrated back to SA and came to Cape Town to live. She is now contemplating going back to Canada as she is unhappy in Cape Town and feels all alone.

The problem is that she is not happy within herself, and she is the only common denominator in all of those moves. You cannot run from yourself. How can I discuss this with her without hurting her? I’m not sure whether I should even try…..but it is hard to see someone running when you know they are more than likely just running in circles?

The Conduit

I’ve often wondered how a psychic 'gets' their skills, and once they get them how they receive their messages.

I’ve been told many times that I have psychic skills and even the ability to do healing should I master my skills. I do believe that I have descended from an ancestral line which had powers, whether those were from a shaman, a witchdoctor, a witch or whatever my ancestors were deemed to be.

When I was a child I had premonitions, or visions or whatever you choose to call it. Once when I was about 4 or 5 years old our family was taken hostage and held at gunpoint by men wearing stockings over their heads as masks. I had dreamed this dream for a solid week before it happened, described it to my family and they just shushed me, thinking it was a normal childhood nightmare. When it all came to happen, no one would discuss my premonitions – it became yet another thing in our family we did not mention.

My hypnosis sessions are honing these skills by teaching me to listen to the messages I am given and to interpret the visions I see.

My friend ‘J’ told me yesterday about a strange thing that happened to her. She was talking to the guard at her apartment building when a crab followed her into the office. We do live by the sea but she was in an apartment block in the city, so that crab had to do some travelling to find her. She had asked the security guard (who was Xhosa) what did a crab symbolise? But the guard was not in touch with that part of his culture and just shrugged and laughed.

But ‘J’ is very spiritual and she knew that crab was symbolic of something. When she said that to me I blurted out, “but don’t you see? That is symbolic of the hard shell you wear, it is a message to be vulnerable, be willing to trust enough to show your soft side.”

J looked at me with wide eyes and told me that just after that incident she had gotten into the lift and met a man; a lovely caring man who has been pursuing her with great interest.

Without that information my words made no sense to me, but when she added that in we both went “Wow!”

So maybe that is my connection to the universe – that I can be a conduit to help others understand their own messages.

Keep it Light

I had a brilliant weekend. On Friday I went to the Mercedes Benz Fashion Event at the Lifestyle Centre. It was all of my favourite things - pink cocktails, great music, fashion, tasty food tidbits and a lot of laughs. I think it is so important for women to spend time with each other - we gain from each other's energy and laughter.

Saturday I was up early and off to another hypnotherapy session. S gives me such great advice - things that I would think should come naturally to me, or which I would think would be obvious are highlighted by her in her stance as an observer on my life. She stops me beating myself up over my past - she keeps reinforcing to me that I was doing the best I could do under the circumstances, that I am strong and a survivor - that often my choices were done as part of my survival instinct. She grants me forgiveness that I need to grant myself and therefore allows me to forgive myself.

She took me under as always, she took me to past life but I could not generate any visions. I kept seeing flashes of Native American art and designs but I just thought they were visual aberrations. When will I learn to just open my mouth and let the subconscious take over? She then brought me to a current life memory - she told my subconscious to go to a happy time in this life and I landed in the middle of a dinner. It was a family dinner but we also had some friends there, I immediately started laughing. When S asked me what I was laughing at I told her it was G my kids friend who was there. He went to school with my kids but I 'met' him on Facebook. We have the same sense of humour and keep each other in stitches. He comes to our Halloween party and is always shocking and outrageous. But hilarious.

So then she took me back to my birth - I could only see darkness, I felt some bizarre feelings but nothing too major, I could see my Mom unconscious but could not see me.

She then took me back again to past life and this time I landed in a past life as  Native American woman. I was on horseback and had a baby tied on my back. I was riding next to my husband. I could see his face and he was a beautiful man, and he felt familiar - immediately G popped into my head.

Was I married to G in a past life? That would explain our deep connection and ease with each other.

I was brought to tears when she asked me what we were doing, I told her we were being moved to another place to live and it was winter, we were so cold. And we were being forced to move -  I got the message that it was to Oklahoma. It was a long time ago - but I did not get a year come through to me.

She then took me forward and I was sitting outside of my tepee grinding corn with a round stone and a flat stone. I was watching the baby who had been on my back, now a brown little boy, playing around the camp. All of the women were there with the children but the men were off hunting.

I then went to her death - only the son was there at her time of passing, I wasn't clear what happened to my husband.

When she took me up above all of this and asked that a spirit come through and give any messages or lessons meant for me and I was presented with a picture of Willy Wonka. WTF?? Willy bloody Wonka??

He wanted me to dance with him and when she asked him what message he had for me it was to play, to be silly, to laugh and to dance.

I tend to be a bit serious and heavy by nature - I have to keep myself light by a conscious decision.

I went from there feeling like I had gained some valuable message for my continued improvement - keep it light!

The funny thing is that we ended up watching Dark Shadows last night - so maybe Johnny Depp is going to appear at my doorstep. A girl can dream can't she?

A Conscious Decision

Yesterday I made a conscious decision to be happy. Simple as that - I just decided that whatever came my way that day would just swirl around me like that giant bed of flotsam swirling round the ocean.

I would not get entangled in it.

It worked! I drove in to the city with no issues (I usually rant, rave, scream and give rude gestures to all in my way en route). I had a day at work with no drama, and not only no drama, but I was able to be speak up and be a contributing influence on our team meeting, when usually I would sit feeling terrified someone was going to ask me a question, thereby revealing me as the ignorant person the little voices in my head sometimes convince me I am.

I had a lovely evening cooking dinner with my hubby. I am normally not very easy to work with - I am a 'do it my way or get outta my way' sort of person. But we divided tasks and got it all done in a happy frame of mind.

In fact we bonded and worked as a team all evening, it was rather special.

I had one moment of sadness and tears when my daughter C was speaking to her nanny who has just moved off to the eastern cape. C is so devastated about her retiring and leaving the family home. C worries equally about her father being on his own, the animals not having Jean there to look after them and about Jean being left to the care of her not very caring family.

But highs and lows are part of a normal day - being sad does not take away from the happiness from the rest of the day.

And that is my ultimate quest - to find balance, peace and stability in my life.

Let's Go Back.....

I had another session with my hypnotherapist 'S' today. We were discussing my birthday last week and a necklace i was given, I mentioned that I cannot wear anything tight around my neck, and I cannot bear anyone to grasp my neck especially. I know that this is a throwback physical memory to my episodes with my ex when he would choke me to unconsciousness. Any tightness triggers that feeling of panic. So, we decided to work on that. I told her of a friend who has the same neck issues and that hers is from a past life memory. So we decided to do some past life work too.

We got to work and I went right under, landing in the midst of my ex choking me, my heart racing, crying and gasping, and then next, my ex standing over my unconscious body. She calmed me and then took me back to a previous happy memory and I went to my son being born. I felt the love my ex and I had and how delighted we were by him. I remembered why I married my ex, the 1st time in a long time I've been able to think of him without hatred or pain. She then took me back to the choking and then forward to another happy memory. This time, to my son on his bike, with me pushing Cait in the stroller, walking in the California sunshine along the beach.

Then back to the choking, telling the unconscious me that I will be fine, that I am strong and a survivor. Then she said she wanted to take me back to a past life where I had experienced that same feeling of powerlessness as I did when beaten, and I immediately pictured myself walking along a dirt path carrying a jug of water. I was wearing sandals and a white toga type garment. My hair was in black braids, twisted all around my head and I was dark olive skinned. I carried the water to a stone house where a large hairy man threw me down on the floor and stood over me in exactly the same way as my ex. I felt helpless, powerless, with no hope for the future and feeling full of despair. I was a slave. She then took me forward a bit in her life and I was presented a scene in which I was a server in a palace. The same person and lifetime, just more slavery.

Next she asked me to go to my death, and I came down into another scene. I could only gauge the era by the clothing. I thought at first I was one of the bodies on the floor of the church 'clinic', but then realized I was the nun walking in the midst of the bodies. It wasn't the death of the slave girl I had landed in but the life of a nun in the middle ages. She became a nun in order to heal, I had landed in that period of history where a woman had so much risk of being accused of witchery that being a nun meant she (I?) could practice healing with no risk to being challenged.

I then came up out of that life and down into the next life. I was a little girl, dressed in a long white dress like a sailor suit, black hair in braids and I was in a large garden with  a white butterfly on my hand. The butterfly flew off and I ran barefoot through the garden and into the house. My nanny was there, she was a round little grey haired woman in a uniform from around the 1900's. I was a very privileged little girl whose parents were never home. They travelled a great deal and I was left in the care of my nanny. When I saw my nanny's eyes I realized that it was my grandma from this life. She did not look at all like her physically other than the grey blue eyes, but I recognised her none the less and it comforted me.

She took me forward to an important day in the life of the little girl and I dropped down into her wedding. She was so happy and in love and when I looked at my husband's eyes I realized it was Mr Kitten! He was much older than her and very protective so that explains his tendency to parent me in THIS life.

I can't believe he married me again, he is such a brave man, my soul connection. I know my gran is one of my guardian angels, she has always been with me.

The lives to me felt random and unconnected until S pointed out to me that my subconscious took me to points of great polarity- from poor to pampered, from hopeless to helpful. One end of the spectrum to the other.  But all souls are connected forever, all physical forms are only temporary. Life goes on, our loves never die.