The past is not always passed

Today I am very proud of my baby girl Lily. My baby girl is turning 21 in a few months – but she will always be my baby girl J

She is studying event management at CPUT and as part of her 1^st year she had to put on an actual event. The class was put into groups and they had no input into choosing who was in their groups. Unlucky for Lily this resulted in her being in a group with a bunch of lazy eejits. They had 60 tickets to sale and Lily sold 26 of those tickets and could have sold more if those eejits had brought in their unsold tickets but they couldn’t even be bothered to do that. They had to get 12 auction items, Lily (with my assistance in some regards) got 11 of these, she also got all of the items in the raffle. She did most of the bookings and organisation. So basically it was Lily’s event in actuality. Lily even got the auctioneer to come for free as he is a friend of mine and Mr Kitten’s.

Last night was the event. I was stressing on her behalf that everything worked out OK, even though it was not my event I wanted her to succeed. The thing that stressed me out the most was the knowledge I had to see my ex-husband. I had not been in the same room with him for years. Now that the girls live with me I do not even have to speak to him on the phone.

The girls keep saying they can’t understand why I cannot just let bygones be bygones. But this is because they have no idea of the things he did to me. I do not want them to know, I do not want to turn them against their father. He is their Dad no matter how he behaved as a husband. I wanted to say to her, what if you were mugged at gunpoint, would you be happy inviting your mugger into your home and being hospitable to him? No, I suspect that like me, when you saw his face you would panic. Holding a gun to my head was only one of the things he did to me. He would choke me to unconsciousness. Once it was so serious that he phoned 911 to get LAPD to come out, telling them he had killed me. When the cops came screaming up in the squad cars to find me walking around the garden in my pajamas it didn’t endear him to them. We had phoned them before when he had beaten me so maybe they were immune to it all, they were the ones who took the gun off of him when he threatened to shoot me in the head. After we moved to South Africa and had eventually split up he would break into my home in the middle of the night and I would wake up to him standing over me, watching me sleep.

I thought I had my emotions sorted out to give me the strength me to encounter him at the event, but then while I was in the shower Cait pops in and shouts, ‘just wanted to let you know that Dad is coming here to get dressed for the event’ and skipped out leaving me hyperventilating in the shower. I am not exaggerating, I could feel my blood pressure instantly shoot up, my heart started pounding and I immediately felt like I could be sick.

After I got out of the shower I went and said to her that she had no right to invite him to my house without discussing it with me first. She said it was too late to tell him not to come as he was on his way. I told her he could stay outside in the granny flat to get ready, I did not want to deal with him. I did not want him in my house, his energy or his face in my space. (That sounds a bit like a Dr Seuss rhyme...I do not want him in my house, I do not want him near my mouse, I do not want him in my space I do not want him in my face lol)

I heard his car arrive and heard him get out of the car and come to the gate, I shouted across the house to Cait to keep him outside. He obviously heard this as he stopped out front and Cait ran out to meet him. He changed and then sat at my outside garden table while Cait got dressed. I did the cowardly move of asking my lift to meet me out front and I scooted out the garage to the road, thereby delaying the inevitable meeting.

I knew I would have to see him, but I wanted it to be on neutral territory. When we did finally meet up, he actually leaned in to try and kiss me. I nearly projectile vomited in his face. If I hadn’t worried about messing up my frock I might have given it is a try.

My friends had never seen him, and they spent the event making jokes about his giant tash (not just there for Movember, it is year round).  He looked like a walrus and the motorcycle cop from the Village People had a fat little baby.

But now it is all over. I survived it. I didn’t freak out or embarrass Lily. I guess I am stronger than I think. I will comfort myself with the fact that now he may know where I live, but he also knows I have a lovely,  home with a stunning view and that gives me a tiny bit of satisfaction because I have seen how he lives…...and I thank the Universe that I have a wonderful man like Mr Kitten and a happy home.